Never Leave Your Shit At The Condo

P.S. - Object was beyond repair. We decided earlier in the day to throw it away but eventually decided to just break it at night, no worries folks

Why I (as well as some other COOL KIDS) don't have girlfriends PART 1

Horribly Unathletic

I'm pretty sure that's not how you swing a baseball bat. And this pathetic attempt finished with a swing and a miss.

Horribly Out of Rhythm



Ladies, I'm also sure this is not the first guy you think of dancing with at the club.

Toy Collection



If there was a movie called The 20-year-old Virgin, this is what the protagonist's wall would look like. This habit started a couple years ago when I bought an LT and a Trevor Hoffman on sale at ComicCon. Having two of them wasn't that bad.

Then I bought an Elton Brand for five bucks. And then people started giving them to me as gifts. And you know what? I loved getting it as a gift. But now my wall doesn't look much different than Steve Carell's character in that classic comedy.

Does it help that they're all sports stars and not comic book characters? Maybe, but from far away, can you even fucking tell?

Super Smash Bros.



Pretty much any guy, single or taken, has some sort of gaming habit. All girls have to deal with it, and as Ray pointed out, it can only help for a lady to accept this, and even better, take part with her man in this lazy activity.

My compadres and I took it to another level with this game though. For most girls, they have to deal with their boyfriend who's hooked on something macho like Madden, or Halo, or Call of Duty. Of course, I consider myself up to snuff in those games as well, but what does it say about you when your favorite game was a game where video game mascots partook in cartoony battles with no real violence?



And how bout how the sound of people playing this game causes a click-clack racket from the controllers that's probably the most annoying sound in the world?

And what does it say about you when you've played in numerous tournaments, even winning one with your fellow blogger?

I'll tell you what it says, it means you're a loser who spent way too much time mastering wavedashing, crouch cancelling, shield grabbing, bomb jumping, jump cancelling, L-cancelling (ok not L-cancelling), instead of working on your baseball swing, or better yet, your dance moves.



Ok, I know I've come down on myself pretty hard. Despite all of these shortcomings, I want you to know that I'm comfortable in my own skin. There are still a lot of things that I like about myself, and things that I think girls would like about me.

No matter what, I know goofy pictures of me playing sports and me dancing are the basis of priceless memories. Hours of bonding over Smash, or discussing our favorite NFL stars or NBA players, has afforded me friendships that will hopefully last a lifetime. But all of this certainly has crippled my pursuit of the almighty pussyliath.

Off to the titty bar!

Welcome to the Smash Life; Hanging up the sticks

So there’s this game for GameCube I like to play from time to time, called Super Smash Brothers Melee. For the most part, the game involves players controlling popular Nintendo characters like Mario and Pikachu as they try and beat the shit out of each other. Also from time to time, a group of like-minded geeks congregate together and hold a tournament at some venue to see, basically, which geek is better.


One such geek.

And yes, I’ve been to one of these tournaments. A few of them actually. And no, I’m not embarrassed at this revelation at all… O.k., maybe a little. My only problem about it, though, is that most people would envision a video game tournament featuring Super Smash Brothers, as a strange, creepy environment filled with pansy 12-year-old kids and obnoxious fat guys running around. They’d assume that most of the people there are scraggly, scrawny nerds with lanky arms and braces who are terrified of sunlight. They’d also assume the place would stink, and reek of body odor, making it difficult to even breathe. And to top it off, they’d assume that if a girl is actually present she would be subject to everyone's unwavering, creepster-like, attention. "Holy jeepers!! According to my calculations, there's a female creature in the area... I must investigate..."

With that said, I’m here to finally set the record straight. If this is what you think a smash tournament is like, then you have to understand…

…That you’re absolutely right. As much as I wish a smash tournament was a respectable scene filled with laid-back, well-rounded people – to tell you that would be twisting the truth. Don’t get me wrong; you’ll still meet a couple of cool kids in the room, but to entirely hope for this, and from my experiences, you’re in for a rude awakening – stereotypes prevail in this case.

In truth, a smash tournament is more of a test of will power than anything else. You must survive a whole day's worth of gluing your eyes to multiple TV screens as your eyes burn out, all while enduring the painful, revolting stench that many of your fellow smash players emit. Besides the never-ending noise of button-smashing, you’ll constantly hear disgusting burps, farting, and evil-nerd laughter. Maybe it’s part of their strategy, but many of these participants apparently don’t believe in the concept of personal hygiene.

Be weary. You'll most likely encounter a crowd of this sort at a typical smash tournament.

The competition is fierce, and so is the smell. The last tournament I went to had a list of rules, mostly about gameplay, but one stood out in particular: “Please take a shower the night before and put on deodorant before playing.” I kid you not. It can really get that bad. Being able to play well in this hostile environment is one thing, but to play while your opponent reeks of shit takes much more skill and self-perseverance than anyone can imagine.

And so I conclude, that my dreams of becoming the greatest Super Smash Brothers Melee player ever, has turned into a futile effort. These kids are unbeatable. Add to the fact that the sequel, Brawl, is coming out soon, I’ve decided to hang up the sticks, and retire from the game. The only highlight of my smash career is a youtube video of me kicking some 10-year-old's ass in a pretty competitive match. I eventually placed 4th in the respective tournament. (I admit though, the only reason I won was mainly because I had 10 homies intimidating the poor kid as we played. By the way, thanks guys.)


Farewell, Super Smash Brothers Melee.
(Song that should now be playing: O-Town – All or Nothing)