TEAM CACHO DEFEATS TEAM DONDON IN 5K OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

The Official Times:

Last month’s epic battle between Team DonDon and the evil Team Cacho resulted in a heartbreaking loss for the boys in orange and neon-green, with Lance and his cronies managing to avoid the upset as they narrowly defeated Team DonDon by 1 second.

Battered by injuries, distractions, and locker room malcontent, Team DonDon apparently could not hold things together during the much-anticipated 5k event, despite Olympic-esque efforts by all-star runners Judd “White Power” Judd and Lu “Flying High” Lu, both of whom finished with record times.

“They had no chance whatsoever,” Cacho muttered, as he bit down into his victory Ultimate Cheeseburger after the race. “There are winners and losers in life… and Team DonDon is a loser!”

The extended 1.5 mile stretch of the race proved disastrous for both teams however, as the course itself was littered with numerous fast-food establishments that kept both teams on their toes and their stomachs grumbling. 7-11, Jack-in-the-Box, McDonalds, Burger King, and In-n-Out became a common sight and a legitimate threat for runners attempting to maintain a steady pace.

“It was driving me crazy,” said Omar of Team DonDon. “Everywhere I’d run there’d be fast-food workers cheering me on, holding out water and telling me to take a break. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

The $2 Ultimate Cheeseburger deal, combined with the unbearable heat, lack of preparation, and a poor outing by their Team Captain eventually led to Team DonDon’s downfall. Still, Judd remained optimistic, praising the team’s tremendous effort in the midst of such overwhelming odds.

“We thudave beatth thum.” he said.

Team Captain DonDon was apparently unavailable for comment following his team’s defeat. Teammates described him looking “heartbroken,” and “emo,” not even saying a word when times were announced. He was last seen headed to La Jolla Cliffs with a guitar in hand, blasting Daphne Loves Derby from his car as he drove off into the distance. His current whereabouts are unknown at the time.

The BIG DEAL is Back

So after dissing Jack In The Box's sirloin burger a few days ago, they quickly bounce back with the almighty BIG DEAL. This is a slight modification from the last big deal, which featured a chicken sandwich, 2 tacos, and a drink, but now you can substitute the chicken sandwich for a cheeseburger. Time to take a fatty tip from Jack and start the new year off with a big deal combo. Here's the press release.

SAN DIEGO – If holiday shopping has left you with nothing in your pocket but lint and a few fuzzy breath mints – don't panic! Jack is here to help you weather your cash crisis. Today, Jack in the Box® restaurants introduce the Big Deal, a bundled, value-priced combo meal that offers the choice of a chicken sandwich or cheeseburger, plus two tacos and a 20-ounce soft drink for the bargain-basement price of ... are you ready for this ... $2.69!

"Following the spending frenzy of the holidays, many consumers have to tighten the purse strings in January," said Teka O'Rourke, director of menu marketing and promotions for Jack in the Box Inc. "Our Big Deal offers a variety of flavorful, filling menu items at an affordable price, so guests don't have to sacrifice taste and satisfaction for cost."

The Big Deal is available for the suggested price, excluding tax, of $2.69 at all participating Jack in the Box restaurants for a limited time.

Jack in the Box Inc. (NYSE: JBX), based in San Diego, is a restaurant company that operates and franchises Jack in the Box® restaurants, one of the nation’s largest hamburger chains, with more than 2,100 restaurants in 18 states. Additionally, through a wholly owned subsidiary the company operates and franchises Qdoba Mexican Grill®, a leader in fast-casual dining, with more than 400 restaurants in 39 states.

The Good, The Bad, And Some Other Shit (Part 1)

With the new year quickly on the way, it's finally that time to review the things that made my 2007 memorable. This is the first of a three part segment in which I'll be laying out my insight on what I thought was good, bad, and a few thoughts on the rest of the shit. So cut the intro, lets get started. We'll start with...

THE BAD

I know that this will sound a bit cynical, but I'm sure most can agree with me when I say that many of the years events and releases didn't exactly change our world for the better or open the door to incredibly influential possibilities. In numerous ways pop culture took a turn in the wrong direction, leaving our generations youth dancing to SoUlJa BoY and watching Zoey 101 get pregnant.


2007 wasn't exactly the best year for mainstream rap music. Actually forget that, 2007 was a shitty year for rap music. Rap CD sales decreased this year for the first time in forever, and our radios, television screens and computer monitors were filled with images of excessive drug inducement and women being portrayed with little to no respect (HELLA ONES is a prime example). Now don't get me wrong, I listened to T-Pain and Akon and said ella just as much as the next person, but I think it's important to know that there is better shit out there if you take the time to look for it.


I know I'm going to get shit for this, but TRANSFORMERS sucked. I'm all for talking robots, hell I even have some Transformer toys in my bedroom, but damn what a stupid movie. Sure it was cool watching cars transform and fight, but that's all I had to see. The movie experience could have been cut down to 10 minutes; watch them transform, stick the cube in his chest, and that'd be it. I didn't have to see them hide behind a house trying to dodge the sight of Shia LaBeoufs on screen parents, or watch the robots piss, but hey, I guess the combination of cars, big fighting robots, and Megan Fox really brings in the cash. I'd rather watch armored polar bears, at least they have a legit storyline.


This season of Heroes was a bust. Tim Kring himself even recognizes the problems, and took a bunch of fan input to try and finish the season better than it started. WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD. The two mexican characters were such a waste of screen time. I know a few people who thought their special power was running fast because they were trying to cross the boarder, but nooo, their super secret hidden power was tears that kill people. Peter losing his memory, falling in love with the girl that he got to know for like 10 seconds, Hiro spending a majority of the season back in time, Ando chilling at work, Peter Pan, all story points that I could have done without. There was some cool stuff in there though. Mr. Bennet continuing to be the badass that we all love, the stuff with Parkman's dad, Kristen Bell, all very cool, but I think we can all agree when I say that it didn't live up to expectations, especially after so much hype at events like Comic Con. I will admit that it picked up towards the end, with the four months ago episode, and then the season finale that gave our favorite villain Sylar his powers back, so I'll continue to watch, and hopefully they get things together.


Nothing in the fast food world really got my stomach growling and head aching for a trip to Jack In The Box this year. The Sirloin burgers are a pretty fat, grease covered thumbs down, and besides that there wasn't really anything new. McDonalds continued to release Snack Wraps, Wendy's got a 99 cent chicken sandwich, Jack and McD's released breakfast burritos, but that just leaves the rest of us underwhelmed, so we once again take a trip to Cotijas for an awesome hashbrown burrito. Nothing has really shaken up my fast food taste since Carls Jr's Six Dollar Burger, but we'll see what these billion dollar companies can come up with next year.

There's a ton of things I left out; a boring KT Tunstall release, a Feist CD that didn't exactly impress the world, Floyd's favorite High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens having her naked photo leaked, media devoting all their attention to Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, and Paris Hilton, aka shit we don't care about, and much more, but that's where you, the readers come in. What were some of your 2007 busts? What left your bright minds blackened, what left your hunger lingering, what did you ache more for, write a comment and let us know.

Look forward to THE GOOD in the next week or so.