Let's stay together...

RE: Regarding Our Decision To Not Blog Here Anymore

Dear Cool Kids and Cool Kids family (i.e. Not so small talk), 

I'm writing this letter in hopes that this will get to you guys, someway, somehow. This is really hard for me right now, so I'll try and be brief. But I admit; I spent the past few hours outside, staring up at the night sky, with only the the stars to keep my company... Just now, I've been pacing back in forth in front of my computer, glaring at the screen, hoping this page would fill up with words by itself. But I'm here now, so I must finish what I started...

Ray, Nazer, Lance -- I know I had left you guys. Even worse, I left without saying goodbye. It was like a breakup without closure, or having some fun and not calling the next day, with no regard for your feelings at all. Yes, it was wrong of me; but I was young, stupid, immature, without any sense of what I was leaving behind.

But I had too... I had to get out of our relationship. I felt trapped. For too long, I felt like I bullshitted as a Cool Kid. We goofed off, made fun ourselves and joyfully hurt the ones we love. But I had to explore on my own, had to see the world, had to discover what was beyond the Coolest Kids in the Room, and grow up as a person, and also try and write more "seriously." Then the years went by, and I had moved on; a Cool Kid enjoying himself in self-imposed exile.

But really... it was all a facade. The supposed, newfound happiness was forced. There'd be nights where I'd toss and turn in bed, feeling miserable; alone, empty. I'd turn on my computer and load up coolkidsroom, going through the archives and looking back on old posts, constantly checking behind my back as if I was trying not to get caught. It was like re-reading old texts, or going through old pictures; reminiscing until the point where I had to close my laptop shut because the tears in my eyes would get too unbearable.

I miss it. The sarcasm, the randomness of topics, the clowning on homies, the bad ms paint pics, the bukkake, even the more relevant issues we wrote about; I miss it all. I miss what we all shared together, and I want it back. Just remember all the good times we've had. We can be great together, again. I just hope you can forgive me...

But I'll say, this indefinite hiatus of mine, is no more. This blog, The Coolest Kids in the Room, is where I'm meant to be. Like Ray said, "Being in a polyamorous blogging relationship with all of you was like something I've never felt before." I feel the same way. I want to be together again. I believe in second chances, but I'd like to believe as if we never broke up at all. We can work this out. Let's stay together.

We've all come so far:

"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was..."

Please come back...

- Adonis

A Fan Tribute

So I've been on hiatus for approximately 2 months – With school (sleeping in) and work (video games) taking up so much of my time this summer, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to find room in my schedule to post regularly.

Just recently however, I’ve come across some encouraging words that I feel has finally put this bad habit of mine to an end. I’ve also come to realize that 1) I've been leaving my fellow cool kids, Nazer, Ray and Lance hanging, 2) We’ve collectively passed the 200th-post mark, with no reason to stop, and 3) I feel obligated to balance the flow of Rock Band/Fake Instrument related posts with my incredibly dumb ideas.

The real inspiration though, that drives me to start writing again, actually comes in the form of a simple email.

If you’ve noticed on the sidebar, as part of our lame attempt to make this site appear authentic, coolkidsroom surprisingly maintains an email account (coolkidsroom.blog@gmail.com) in case anyone wants to give us some feedback. As I was going through the usually spam and junk mail, I was amazed to find an email that was personally addressed to us.

Anyways, I’d thought I share it with everyone.

Subject: Your #1 Fan!!
From: “Adam Banks” gangstertothemax@hotmail.com
Date: Wed, July 30, 2008 10:29 pm
To: coolkidsroom.blog@gmail.com
Priority: Normal

Dear CommanderCacho, Nazer, Just Ray, and Adonis, aka the Coolest Kids in the Room!!!!!11

Hi, my name’s Adam and I’m from Minneapolis, Minnesota. I know you guys don’t know me, but I have to say, me and my buddies love your site! I’ve only found Cool Kids Room maybe a month ago, but ever since then I’ve read every single post in the archives up till now!! Probably the most hilarious, clever, yet insightful blog I’ve ever read.

You guys are probably wondering how I came across coolkidsroom. It actually happened by accident, and in a really odd way. Well, I guess me and my buddies were bored one day so we decided to have fun with Google and just search for the most randomest things we could think of and see the results.

In one of our searches, we typed in the words, FATASS, MUSIC, VIDEO GAMES, NERD, BONER, SADAM HUSSEIN, and then we threw in BUKKAKE just for fun.

But then, after hitting ‘search’, we were all confused when your guys’ site came up. Still, after looking through it for a bit, we were hooked! A lucky string of words or not, I’m glad we found this blog. Keep up the good work!!

Your #1 Fan,
Adam Banks

P.S. – I’m just curious, but is that guy “Lance” whos mentioned a lot.. is that actually CommanderCacho?? Either way, I sure wish you guys posted more pictures of him :D

Thanks Adam, this post is dedicated to you and your buddies up in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It's people like you who inspire me to write, and in turn, start posting again. Even if you did come across us by accident, it makes me proud to know that we're able to make a positive impact to kids half-way across the country. And of course, here’s a pic of that mysterious “Lance” guy, just for you.



Enjoy!

Movie Madness = Sys-tem O-ver-load...

Recession? HAH! Why freak out and hoard all your money in a piggybank when you can help salvage the slumping economy by spending it at the movies, shelling out $11 for a ticket and another $10 for popcorn.

Really though, this coming summer has a number of attractive movies to look forward, such as the aforementioned film, The Dark Knight, which is surrounded by so much hype that the trailer was enough to give Lance a bat boner. Some are already in theaters, including:

Iron Man (Now playing)

Robert Downing Jr. is the man… the Iron Man! His portrayal as the alcoholic playboy Tony Stark, combined with the script’s witty dialogue and simply seeing Iron Man come to life, quite possibly makes this film the best Marvel adaptation to date, maybe even rivaling my reigning favorite Spider-Man in that regard.

What impressed me the most about Iron Man, however, was the cleverly crafted product placement scenes that now has me longing for a new, hip, Verizon LG phone, an Audi, and a newfound love for Burger King. I now want to be just as cool as Tony Stark and:

1) Purchase an outdated Verizon LG VX9400 because you can supposedly talk to your friends via live video feed,
2) Lease a $50,000 Audi Q7 SUV because even Iron Man can’t break through its flawless safety features, and
3) Become a loyal Whopper fanatic because Burger King should be the first place I think of when I’m craving an “American cheeseburger.” Yeah! Fuck you Jack-in-the-Box!

The Incredible Hulk (In theaters, June 13)

Sorry Eric Bana, you were either so terrible in your depiction of the Jolly Green Giant, or stupid enough to sign on for a busted production that Marvel decided that your 2003 adaptation failed to serve the Hulk any justice. Luckily, a total reboot of the franchise, starring badass Edward Norton as The Incredible Hulk, is in the works. It’s not easy being green, but I’m confident that Norton’s performance will finally help me understand what the hell the Hulk’s storyline is.

Indiana Jones, the 4th installment (In theaters, May 22)

I guess we’re in for a treat this summer, as it seems the sequel to No Country for Old Men will be hitting theaters sooner than expected. Only this time, the movie will be titled Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and instead star an ancient Harrison Ford as he rises from the dead for another epic adventure.

The long-awaited continuation of the Indiana Jones franchise will also star Transformers’ lovable loser, Shia LeBeouf, as Indy’s hard-nosed sidekick, although Transformers’ and cool kids favorite Megan Fox, will unfortunately not make an appearance. LeBeouf, heralded as the “next Tom Hanks,” will also help bring in some much needed youth to the film, as Ford is now at the rotting age of 65-years-old and soon on his way toward the light. Still, you can’t tell a man who’s played Han Solo, and the President of the United States, to back down from reprising his role as the whip-wielding college professor who always seems to be getting into shit.

Baby Mama (Now playing)

Even though this movie has been out for a couple of weeks now, my unhealthy Tina Fey obsession requires that I mention my wifey and her career endeavors whenever possible. Fey stars alongside Amy Poehler in the buddy-comedy, with Fey playing a career woman in hopes that her hillbilly surrogate mother, played by Poehler, can bear her child. I have yet to see Baby Mama, and I have a feeling that the movie will be full of girly jokes and maternal references that will probably confuse the shit out of me. Nevertheless, the prospect of watching Tina Fey in a lead role for 2 hours is something I can’t miss out on.

The Mighty Thor! (In theaters, July 4)

The Adventures of Thor, starring Kevin Sorbo!! ...O.k. just kidding, there’s nothing concrete yet, but my gut instincts tell me that once production of a Thor or Avengers movie is in full gear, there’s only one obvious choice when it comes to casting someone to play the Norse God of Thunder. Sorbo is a lock.

Honorable mentions:

Speed Racer (Now playing) – Mentioned in an earlier post by nazer, I also agree that “if you can make it all the way to the end, then you have balls.”

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (In theaters tomorrow, May 16) - Any movie with large-scale CGI battles and weird fantasy creatures fighting with swords is always Oscar worthy in my book.

Hancock (In theaters, July 2) – “With great power, comes great responsibility…” Will Smith apparently said “fuck that”, as he plays a drunk hobo blessed with superpowers but also too lazy to use them.

TEAM CACHO DEFEATS TEAM DONDON IN 5K OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

The Official Times:

Last month’s epic battle between Team DonDon and the evil Team Cacho resulted in a heartbreaking loss for the boys in orange and neon-green, with Lance and his cronies managing to avoid the upset as they narrowly defeated Team DonDon by 1 second.

Battered by injuries, distractions, and locker room malcontent, Team DonDon apparently could not hold things together during the much-anticipated 5k event, despite Olympic-esque efforts by all-star runners Judd “White Power” Judd and Lu “Flying High” Lu, both of whom finished with record times.

“They had no chance whatsoever,” Cacho muttered, as he bit down into his victory Ultimate Cheeseburger after the race. “There are winners and losers in life… and Team DonDon is a loser!”

The extended 1.5 mile stretch of the race proved disastrous for both teams however, as the course itself was littered with numerous fast-food establishments that kept both teams on their toes and their stomachs grumbling. 7-11, Jack-in-the-Box, McDonalds, Burger King, and In-n-Out became a common sight and a legitimate threat for runners attempting to maintain a steady pace.

“It was driving me crazy,” said Omar of Team DonDon. “Everywhere I’d run there’d be fast-food workers cheering me on, holding out water and telling me to take a break. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

The $2 Ultimate Cheeseburger deal, combined with the unbearable heat, lack of preparation, and a poor outing by their Team Captain eventually led to Team DonDon’s downfall. Still, Judd remained optimistic, praising the team’s tremendous effort in the midst of such overwhelming odds.

“We thudave beatth thum.” he said.

Team Captain DonDon was apparently unavailable for comment following his team’s defeat. Teammates described him looking “heartbroken,” and “emo,” not even saying a word when times were announced. He was last seen headed to La Jolla Cliffs with a guitar in hand, blasting Daphne Loves Derby from his car as he drove off into the distance. His current whereabouts are unknown at the time.

TEAM DONDON IN TURMOIL!!

A Week in Review: Team DonDon in Training -

Despite being anchored by former Olympic-runner Judd Judd and the legendary Thunderdome, Team DonDon has found itself in much dire straits; especially with time running short before Saturday’s much-anticipated matchup against the evil Team Cacho. Distractions, injuries, and locker-room malcontent has left team captain DonDon with very little reason for optimism.

So far, Team DonDon’s training on and off the field has been nothing short of total bust:

Tuesday: Team meeting

After watching a variety of inspirational films including Free Willy and Save the Last Dance, several team members became distraught when the group couldn’t reach a consensus on what the team colors should be. Some even threatened to quit the team. “It better be purple or I’m not running!” exclaimed team member Omar. Neon green and orange ultimately won out, although many team members still remained bitter with the decision.

Wednesday: First day or training

Team member Tuanski sustained an apparent ankle injury while playing a game of Beer Pong. Not only did he break a team rule by participating in a non-running related activity, but his ailing ankle may land him a trip to the Disabled List, holding him out from Saturday’s matchup. He is listed as day-to-day.

Thursday: Second day of training

Even with Team Captain DonDon’s repeated attempts to get his team in marathon shape, a night planned for a 20-mile group run fails to materialize. Instead, many members took the night off and got drunk, getting full off of Mexican food, and ended up passing out in puddles of their own throwup. Captain DonDon struggles to prevent his team from spiraling more out of control.

Friday: Final Preparations

Team members once again fail to congregate and make one final attempt to prepare for the upcoming 5k. Captain DonDon eventually succumbs to the disappointment and total bust that is his team. Rather than getting a good night’s sleep, he sits at home brooding, typing up a ridiculous team report with only 3 hours left before D-Day. FAIL.

Cool Kids in Training!

Join Team Cacho!
Join Team DonDon!

RE: Carlsbad Shmarlsbad

Contrary to popular belief, the guys at coolkidsroom can do more than sit on their asses and rant about social affairs and fast food… O.k., maybe that does pretty much sum us up, but this weekend will change all that.

On Saturday morning, you’ll find cool kids and friends among a crowd running in the San Diego County NAMI Walks 2008 event.

That’s right, we’re running the city. Approximately 3.1 miles worth. Yes, three miles does sound fucking far, but Lance has proven more than capable of covering such a distance, and of course, its all for a good cause – NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) works to support those individuals and their families affected by mental illnesses through research and raising awareness.

To spice thing up competitively, we’re splitting up into two teams; Team DonDon vs. the evil Team Cacho. The team with the lowest combined times will be deemed victorious and superior to the other. Let the best team win!

Despite being the underdog, Team DonDon features several renowned all-star runners to help even out the scale:

Judd Judd.

The "newest" contributor to coolkidsroom, Judd recently turned down an invitation from Team China to run for them in the upcoming Summer Olympics. Rather, the notion of destroying Team Cacho proved to appealing of an offer to pass up. Some say Judd has even ran non-stop across the entire Oklahoma countryside while bare-foot.

“Lanthce doesenth sthand a chantsce againsthh us!”

Thunderdome.

Also running for Team DonDon is R-Kwan, aka the Thunderdome himself. Always a force to be reckoned with, his lightning speed is as legendary as his nickname. Even in his younger years, the Thunderdome’s trademark bowl-cut could always be seen leading the pack during P.E. class.

(R-Kwan was unavailable for comment.)

The stakes are high, and so will my run time be. Nevertheless…

“I SEE PRIDE! I SEE POWA! I SEE A BADASS MOTHA, WHO WONT TAKE NO CRAP OFF NOBODY!!” – The Cool Kids from Cool Runnings


Join Team Cacho!
Join Team DonDon!

Monday Morning Buffet: Spring Break Endeavors

■ My Spring Break technically ended last Monday, but due to the nature of the quarter system, which tends to begin each new quarter with a pick-up-your-syllabus week, and due to my pathetic work ethic, I decided to extend my break for a few more undeserving days’ worth of gallivanting.

Even with my self-extended break, I knew I had very little time to accomplish all of the goals I set up beforehand. Naturally, I crossed out what I saw as the least important things on my list of Spring Break Goals, deeming them expendable for time being.

- File my tax return
- Work on my resume
- Clean out room of junk
- Get an oil change for my car
- Attempt to work out again

After setting my priorities straight, I managed to find time for more significant endeavors.

■ Goal #1: Become the greatest fisherman this side of the Pacific.

I haven’t gone fishing since back in the day when I was 7 or so, so I was glad that some of the homies took me out to terrorize the ocean-depths once more.

But after hours worth of fishing, my night ended with a fish count of 0. Zip, nada, ZERO.

On the bright side, I did have a close encounter with a creature that resembled something like this:

Fortunately for him, I was caught off guard when he fell for the bait, and the creature was able to escape before I had a chance to reel him in. He escaped me once, but next time, he won’t be so lucky...

Result: 0 fish in 5 hours. FAIL.

■ Goal #2: Drink enough to acquire an iron liver.

Besides celebrating multiple birthdays, and drinking on consecutive days, my alcoholic-bound training program also included a round of playing Power Hour.

My urbandictionary.com definition of Power Hour: An evil drinking game conceived by the devil himself, which requires players to take a shot of beer per minute for an entire hour or until tapping out. One notable participant, CommanderCacho of coolkidsroom, has accomplished this feat on numerous occasions.

Even under the tutelage of Lance himself, I only managed to achieve a grand total of 33 shots prior to taking refuge at a toilet, or well, in my case, a plastic bag provided by Ray, before throwing up a Carl’s Jr. Chili Burger.

Result: Barely reaching the half-way mark of Power Hour. FAIL.

■ Goal #3: Become the newest crew member of the JabbaWockeez.

As Nazer mentioned earlier, television is finally back in business with fresh new content, although this previous void of entertainment was fulfilled for me thanks to America’s Best Dance Crew and its recent crowning of the JabbaWockeez as winners of season 1.

After being wholeheartedly inspired by them, and after a few hardcore sessions, I decided to test my skills and take it to the dance floor.

Result: Go clubbing downtown. Attempt to jock on girls using Jabbawockee moves. Look like an idiot. FAIL.

■ Goal #4: Become the greatest singer ever.

O.k. not really, but I just wanted to mention that Miss Ramiele Malubay finally got the boot on American Idol, after what her critics agreed was nothing short of an uninspiring series of lackluster performances. Either way, she's still an idol in my book.

Result: Ramiele Malubay, FAIL.

■ Goal #5: Become the next great baseball phenom.

With baseball season in full gear, my break also consisted of an unhealthy dose of baseball-related activities, including watching games across Major League Baseball, researching and tinkering with my fantasy teams, and enjoying the Padres opening week at Petco Park; highlighted by Jake Peavy’s should-of-been-a-shut-out complete game, and ending with Grandpa Hoffman once again showing his age.

Result: Attempt to prove my worth at the batting cages. Swing away and go 0 for 100. FAIL.

■ Goal #6: Lastly, catch up on movies I’ve been eager to see.

Namely, this meant finally watching the Oscar Winner for Best Picture, the movie No Country for Old Men such as Trevor Hoffman. I’ve been impressed with all of the Best Picture winners for the past several years, from Gladiator in 2000 to The Depated in 2006. Likewise, 2007 was no different.

In fact, I was so impressed with No Country for Old Men, that I decided to make a secondary goal of becoming a badass like the movie’s antagonist, Anton Chiguhr, played by Javier Bardem. Not surprisingly, Bardem won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his memorable performance as the psychopathic killer. However, I also figured that this meant I had to copy his stylish hair-do, in order to achieve such a level of badass-ness.

Even Hannibal Lector and the Terminator couldn't fuck with this guy.

After applying some instant hair-growth gel and observing the results, I realized that I had no chance whatsoever of imitating his Beatles’ mop-top, as you can see here:

Result: A nappy-ass fro. FAIL.

■ In retrospect, I guess you can say my Spring Break fell short of expectations, as I failed to accomplish any of my goals that were more than easy to attain. Still, I suppose it was worth the fun and effort. Now that I look back, this post could’ve been the perfect compliment to the FAILURE homie edition, minus the pedophilic attempts and a ridiculously huge bump on the forehead. Now begins another lame attempt to get back into school mode; good luck everyone.

Best,
Adonis

Well For Me...

To: Adonis "The Noob"
From: Nazer
Re: DISNEY CHICKS: Who is Top Tier

My choice would have to be the darling Belle. She's pretty, intelligent, humble, and has incredibly good judgement. Guys always talk about the girl who gets with the loser asshole, but Belle denies the incredibly arrogant Gaston even after he proposes to her; such a great sense of character.

She has an unbreakable love for her family which is always admirable. Even though her greedy sisters ask for jewelry and other material possessions from her hardworking father, Belle asks for nothing more than a rose.

Her love for the Beast shows her ability to look past looks and see a man for what he really is. But in the end we all know that the Beast was too much of a pussy to hurt anyone, so his ass got stabbed by that loser Gaston.

So in the end Belle would be the one for me. She has all the qualities that make a girl attractive, but she doesn't need the horse-drawn carriage, magic carpet, crabs that sing, talking dragons, or all the money in the world to be happy. Plus she hangs out with teapots and candlesticks so I'm sure she wouldn't mind a little house work. Most definitely top tier.

DISNEY CHICKS: Who is Top Tier?

Lets say, in another alternate universe, all the Disney Princesses were real people; possibly just the girl next door, walking around, doing their thing, and they all just so happened to be single and on the market. How would they fair in today’s world? Who would you consider? After hours of tense deliberation, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s only one Disney girl out there for me. But before revealing my decision, here’s how the others would have faired.

Ariel, aka the Little Mermaid

She’s a great singer, an exceptional swimmer, and especially goal-oriented. For instance, one of her ambitions was to grow feet; that alone can say a lot about a person’s character. So what’s the problem? Unfortunately, she’s a fucking mermaid. She’s a freak, a mutant; she has fins for legs. Not to be a hater or anything, and while mixed-women tend to be some of the most attractive girls out there, going out with Ariel would present a number of potential problems – I’d have a tough time being romantic while having to push her ass around in a shopping cart all day.

Plus, are dates on land would be limited to trips to Sea World, where I’m certain the other fish would jock on her and steal my thunder. Damn you Shamu. Also, I’m not that great of a swimmer myself, and visits to her house unda da sea would be difficult. Not to mention, her overprotective hard-ass daddy, King Triton, is probably every guy’s worst nightmare.

(Eating dinner with her parents)
King Triton: So, Adonis… your name is ‘Adonis,’ correct?

Me: (nervously) Uh, yes sir, it is.

King Triton: Adonis eh? What kind of queer name is Adonis anyways?

Me: Umm, well it’s uh –

King Triton: (interrupting) Nevermind that. So Ariel tells me you go to UCSD, Home of the, “Tritons?”

Me: (excidetly) Oh yes sir! It’s great, our mascot is named after you –

King Triton: (interrupting again) HUH? What kind of nonsense is that? Are you saying my honorable name is being used for a school full of scrawny nerds and sissy-men? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME??

Me: (awkward silence) Uhh… sorry Ariel, I forgot, I actually gotta go...

But hey, who can forget about…
Pocahontas

Tall, athletic, caring, and peace-loving; It’s easy to see why she stands above the competition. However, her fanatical environmentalism and obsession with safeguarding Mother Earth would eventually push me over the edge. Plus she seems to dig white guys.

(Trying to find a place to eat)
Me: Babe, we’ve been driving around forever, why can’t I just pick this time?

Pocahontas: (angrily) For the last time, don’t EVER call me babe. How many times do I have to tell you, we are all Mother Nature’s children. I am no more special than you, that rock, or that tree. And why don’t we just eat at Souplantation again? That sounds good doesn’t it?

Me: (irritated) C’mon, I’m so sick of eating salad. That’s all you want to eat. Vegetables and shit. Why can’t we get something better to eat for once, like some fried chicken. Hell yeah, that sounds good. I’m down for some Popeyes.

Pocahontas: (stunned) I can’t believe you just said that... Take me back to Mother Willow’s. I will not eat at a restaurant that butchers and slays innocent beings! Cuz’ I know every rock and tree and creature, has a life, has a spirit, has a NAAAAMMMEE... (starts to sing the rest of “Colors of the Wind”)

Me: Stop, stop. O.k., o.k., I get it, I’m sorry. I was just joking around, I love animals. We’ll go to Souplantation… (Car suddenly stops.) What the hell. Ah shit, the battery’s dead again. Fuck these piece of shit electric cars! (I slam on the steering wheel, reach into my pocket, and pull out a cigarette)

Pocahontas: What… are you doing… (Starts to tear up) The other day I catch you littering, and now this? Polluting the air?? You said you quit!! Justin was right about you, you don’t care about Mother Earth at all!

Me: Wait, what? Justin? You’ve been talking to him again? What’s with you and white guys?? (Shaking her head, she gets up out of the car) Babe! Come back here, I’m sorry all right! Get back in here! (She runs off into the woods, sobbing)

Me: (yelling) Fine then! Go be ahead and run off with that white dude, John, Judd, Smith, whatever the fuck his name is. See if I care. Once I get this shit started I’m going to McDonalds and ordering the whole fucking menu. You here me! Bitch!

So things between me and her didn’t work out, but hey, there’s always…
Belle, of Beauty and the Beast

She seems like a sure-thing – She’s intelligent, open-minded, loves her family, and evidently she doesn’t care too much about looks. Yeah, Belle seems perfect… if it wasn’t for this hulking motherfucker right here:


Basically, the only negative about her, besides her apparent beastiality, is having to deal with an angry ex-boyfriend who could quite literally hunt you down and rip your head off. Is she worth it? Maybe, maybe not, but I sure hell wouldn't risk it.

Honorable mentions:
Cinderella – Too much of a junkie for my tastes. Besides a habit of talking to rats named “Gus Gus”, her ride is a pimped-out giant pumpkin, and her outfits tend to incorporate scandalous glass heels.

Sleeping Beauty – What a lazy ass. She just sleeps all day.

Snow White – Hell no, she’s probably the closest thing to a whore out of the bunch. Not only is she a complete ditz for taking food from complete strangers, and getting into trouble, but she happens to live in a house with SEVEN other dudes! There’s no fun with Dopey and the gang always tagging along.


Mulan – No Asian bias here. With so many manly features, she looks too much like a dude. A dude I might add, who could easily kung fu my ass.

So after careful consideration, the winner goes to…
Princess Jasmine

Really, what guy can resist Princess Jasmine, who is definitely Disney’s cream of the crop. Not only is she one exotic women and often scantily clad, she has a fiery personality that makes her just as appealing. She also happens to be loaded, living large in a ballin’ palace, and could very well be the perfect sugar mamma. But what really separates her from the rest has to be the fact that despite her material wealth and possibility of being a stuck-up rich kid, she nevertheless, isn’t quick to judge.

Perfect (and only) example:
Aladdin – He is, without question, a scrub. A STREET RAT. He has no money, no car, his pad is a dump, and his best friend is a monkey. Jasmine however, did not take these issues into account, and in the end, the dirt poor Aladdin still won her over through his charm, good-nature, and pure determination. With that said, Princess Jasmine is definitely top tier.