EMO: Farewell Grandpa Hoffman

It's Official.

Unlike high school, rumors in Major League Baseball are mostly true - Trevor Hoffman will no longer be closing/blowing games for the San Diego Padres. What seemed like a perfect match, evidenced by a warm, loving relationship that lasted over 15 years, ended in a dramatic break-up after last season, with the Padres front office and Hoffman walking away from each other bitter and angry.

I was always hoping that the couple would work out their differences (apparently Hoffman felt disrespected and the Padres felt he was a gold digger and getting lousy on the mound) and kiss & make up, but at this point it seems like both sides have moved on for good; especially Hoffman, who has already found a rebound in the Milwaukee Brewers.

On September 27th of last year, with only two games left to finish a terrible season, I was fortunate enough to watch the Padres beat the Pittsburgh Pirates 3-2 at Petco, a game highlighted by Hoffman closing out the top of the 9th in a quick, 1-2-3 inning. That officially would be Hoffman's last save and appearance of 2008.

While I had a feeling that night might of been that last time I would get to witness Trevor Time, (there was already rumors flying around that he could retire) I never imagined he would ever pitch for another team.

The prospect of THE Trevor Hoffman wearing an alien uniform, without SD on his cap, and the idea of "AC/DC - Hell's Bells" being played in another stadium makes me want to throw up.

Lots of good (and sometimes bad) memories watching Hoffy play, but the one memory that easily comes to mind definitely has to be in 2006, when I was lucky enough to witness his 478th save at San Diego, also putting him on top as MLB's all-time saves leader. I remember the place going nuts as I fumbled around with the camera, trying to capture the historic moment.

Blah, I guess I jinxed myself into this heartbreak.

Fuckin Padres: On Life Support? (May 1, 2008)

Save for another playoff run, Hoffman has little more to prove or show for, as he already leads the All-time Saves list, a milestone that took 15 years in the making. Regardless, Trevor Time and the days of hearing Hell’s Bells ring in San Diego, not to mention watching one of the most dominant closers in baseball history play, are running short.

Sigh.

There is of course, much more to be said about the 2nd greatest player in Padre's history, (or the greatest player in Padre's history, if you happen to be a Tony Gwynn hater) but it'll have to wait; the news is still fresh and the emoness has already kicked in...

Fuckin padres man.

[San Diego Union Tribune]

Movie Madness = Sys-tem O-ver-load...

Recession? HAH! Why freak out and hoard all your money in a piggybank when you can help salvage the slumping economy by spending it at the movies, shelling out $11 for a ticket and another $10 for popcorn.

Really though, this coming summer has a number of attractive movies to look forward, such as the aforementioned film, The Dark Knight, which is surrounded by so much hype that the trailer was enough to give Lance a bat boner. Some are already in theaters, including:

Iron Man (Now playing)

Robert Downing Jr. is the man… the Iron Man! His portrayal as the alcoholic playboy Tony Stark, combined with the script’s witty dialogue and simply seeing Iron Man come to life, quite possibly makes this film the best Marvel adaptation to date, maybe even rivaling my reigning favorite Spider-Man in that regard.

What impressed me the most about Iron Man, however, was the cleverly crafted product placement scenes that now has me longing for a new, hip, Verizon LG phone, an Audi, and a newfound love for Burger King. I now want to be just as cool as Tony Stark and:

1) Purchase an outdated Verizon LG VX9400 because you can supposedly talk to your friends via live video feed,
2) Lease a $50,000 Audi Q7 SUV because even Iron Man can’t break through its flawless safety features, and
3) Become a loyal Whopper fanatic because Burger King should be the first place I think of when I’m craving an “American cheeseburger.” Yeah! Fuck you Jack-in-the-Box!

The Incredible Hulk (In theaters, June 13)

Sorry Eric Bana, you were either so terrible in your depiction of the Jolly Green Giant, or stupid enough to sign on for a busted production that Marvel decided that your 2003 adaptation failed to serve the Hulk any justice. Luckily, a total reboot of the franchise, starring badass Edward Norton as The Incredible Hulk, is in the works. It’s not easy being green, but I’m confident that Norton’s performance will finally help me understand what the hell the Hulk’s storyline is.

Indiana Jones, the 4th installment (In theaters, May 22)

I guess we’re in for a treat this summer, as it seems the sequel to No Country for Old Men will be hitting theaters sooner than expected. Only this time, the movie will be titled Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and instead star an ancient Harrison Ford as he rises from the dead for another epic adventure.

The long-awaited continuation of the Indiana Jones franchise will also star Transformers’ lovable loser, Shia LeBeouf, as Indy’s hard-nosed sidekick, although Transformers’ and cool kids favorite Megan Fox, will unfortunately not make an appearance. LeBeouf, heralded as the “next Tom Hanks,” will also help bring in some much needed youth to the film, as Ford is now at the rotting age of 65-years-old and soon on his way toward the light. Still, you can’t tell a man who’s played Han Solo, and the President of the United States, to back down from reprising his role as the whip-wielding college professor who always seems to be getting into shit.

Baby Mama (Now playing)

Even though this movie has been out for a couple of weeks now, my unhealthy Tina Fey obsession requires that I mention my wifey and her career endeavors whenever possible. Fey stars alongside Amy Poehler in the buddy-comedy, with Fey playing a career woman in hopes that her hillbilly surrogate mother, played by Poehler, can bear her child. I have yet to see Baby Mama, and I have a feeling that the movie will be full of girly jokes and maternal references that will probably confuse the shit out of me. Nevertheless, the prospect of watching Tina Fey in a lead role for 2 hours is something I can’t miss out on.

The Mighty Thor! (In theaters, July 4)

The Adventures of Thor, starring Kevin Sorbo!! ...O.k. just kidding, there’s nothing concrete yet, but my gut instincts tell me that once production of a Thor or Avengers movie is in full gear, there’s only one obvious choice when it comes to casting someone to play the Norse God of Thunder. Sorbo is a lock.

Honorable mentions:

Speed Racer (Now playing) – Mentioned in an earlier post by nazer, I also agree that “if you can make it all the way to the end, then you have balls.”

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (In theaters tomorrow, May 16) - Any movie with large-scale CGI battles and weird fantasy creatures fighting with swords is always Oscar worthy in my book.

Hancock (In theaters, July 2) – “With great power, comes great responsibility…” Will Smith apparently said “fuck that”, as he plays a drunk hobo blessed with superpowers but also too lazy to use them.

Fuckin Padres: On life support?

Fuckin Padres. 5 weeks into the season, it comes to no surprise that the San Diego Padres are exactly where they left off last year… as LOSERS. Currently the freaky friars sit on a pathetic 11-17* record, struggling to gain a foothold in a competitively-agonizing division that’s characterized by some of the worst offensive numbers as a team, and by a lackluster bullpen led by none other than Grandpa Hoffman himself, only one-year removed from being one of the best in baseball.

In all fairness, many of our players aren’t living up to their full potential as evidenced in the past. Likewise, there remains much baseball left to be played, meaning things can turn around for the Pads in a hurry as long as the Swinging Friar can lay off the Asian girls. Still, temper your expectations going forward, as it seems the team is still hungover from last season’s heartbreaking debacle. Fuck you Matt Holliday, fuck you.

Why you should still be keepin’ the faith

Jake Peavy and Mark Prior


If there is one player on the Padres that can carry the team on his back and single handily lead them to another playoff berth, it has to be the 2007 Cy Young Winner and home-grown hero Jake Peavy. You really have to feel bad for the guy though – all he does is go out there and pitch brilliantly, even hitting better than half his teammates, but ends up having to watch his team go to shit time and time again. Still, I have confidence that his demi-god powers alone will salvage the Padres season from total embarrassment.

Off-season addition Mark Prior also boasts superhuman powers like Peavy, being a dominant hurler and owning batters with an impressive arsenal of power pitches... but that was 5 long years ago. Since then, the San Diego native has been plagued by injuries and bad luck, and is currently rotting away on the disabled list in hopes of returning by mid-summer.

There is hope though, even if he is made of glass. The Padres have always worked well in developing their pitching staff, and if Prior can return to even a shell of his former self would be huge; his 2003 numbers alone were on par with Peavy’s Cy Young campaign of last year. Thus, Prior is the Padres’ low-risk high-reward secret weapon; capable of improving an already quality starting rotation as long as he and stella can get their groove back.

Trevor Hoffman and Greg Maddux


2008 may also be the last opportunity to watch two of baseball’s all-time greats and future Hall-of-Famers, Grandpa Hoffman and Grandpa Maddux, respectively, both of whom just recently joined AARP. The two of them are only signed through this season, so whether they choose to retire, or move on to another team, or if the Padres decide to re-sign them, is still up to much speculation.

My guess with Mad Dog is he’ll still pitch for one or two more years at most before moving on to his Professional Poker career, but not in a Padres uniform – most likely with an eager team in serious contention as quality starters are becoming hard to come by. Also, because the pricy Maddux has been playing since the end of the Cold War, re-signing him seems very unlikely, especially for the stingy-minded Padres.

On the bright side, Maddux seems to have taught his young grasshopper Peavy everything he knows, so his work in San Diego is complete. But despite being at the end of his career, don’t let his goofy appearance fool you; Maddux is still the grand wizard of pitching, and still amazing to watch even as a senior citizen.



Hoffman on the other hand, is someone that I feel will finally hang up the glove by season’s end. While he had a terrible April last year as well and still ended the season with elite numbers, he and his signature leg kick no longer strikes that same fear into batters as it once did. Also, now that his ‘fastball’ is the same velocity as his changeup, his ability to close games is becoming more of a coin-flip than the sure-thing of the past, which is painful to watch for any fan. Of course, no Padres fan wants to see the San Diego favorite call it quits, but even then I’d rather see him retire and bring some stability back to bullpen, and at least not in another team’s uniform.

Save for another playoff run, (which the Padres should be able to pull off this season...) Hoffman has little more to prove or show for, as he already leads the All-time Saves list, a milestone that took 15 years in the making. Regardless, Trevor Time and the days of hearing Hell’s Bells ring in San Diego, not to mention watching one of the most dominant closers in baseball history play, are running short.

*Note: O.K. so we did win yesterday, but the opposing pitcher is also an old geezer like Hoffman and Maddux - hopefully it’s a positive sign of things to come.

Monday Morning Buffet: Spring Break Endeavors

■ My Spring Break technically ended last Monday, but due to the nature of the quarter system, which tends to begin each new quarter with a pick-up-your-syllabus week, and due to my pathetic work ethic, I decided to extend my break for a few more undeserving days’ worth of gallivanting.

Even with my self-extended break, I knew I had very little time to accomplish all of the goals I set up beforehand. Naturally, I crossed out what I saw as the least important things on my list of Spring Break Goals, deeming them expendable for time being.

- File my tax return
- Work on my resume
- Clean out room of junk
- Get an oil change for my car
- Attempt to work out again

After setting my priorities straight, I managed to find time for more significant endeavors.

■ Goal #1: Become the greatest fisherman this side of the Pacific.

I haven’t gone fishing since back in the day when I was 7 or so, so I was glad that some of the homies took me out to terrorize the ocean-depths once more.

But after hours worth of fishing, my night ended with a fish count of 0. Zip, nada, ZERO.

On the bright side, I did have a close encounter with a creature that resembled something like this:

Fortunately for him, I was caught off guard when he fell for the bait, and the creature was able to escape before I had a chance to reel him in. He escaped me once, but next time, he won’t be so lucky...

Result: 0 fish in 5 hours. FAIL.

■ Goal #2: Drink enough to acquire an iron liver.

Besides celebrating multiple birthdays, and drinking on consecutive days, my alcoholic-bound training program also included a round of playing Power Hour.

My urbandictionary.com definition of Power Hour: An evil drinking game conceived by the devil himself, which requires players to take a shot of beer per minute for an entire hour or until tapping out. One notable participant, CommanderCacho of coolkidsroom, has accomplished this feat on numerous occasions.

Even under the tutelage of Lance himself, I only managed to achieve a grand total of 33 shots prior to taking refuge at a toilet, or well, in my case, a plastic bag provided by Ray, before throwing up a Carl’s Jr. Chili Burger.

Result: Barely reaching the half-way mark of Power Hour. FAIL.

■ Goal #3: Become the newest crew member of the JabbaWockeez.

As Nazer mentioned earlier, television is finally back in business with fresh new content, although this previous void of entertainment was fulfilled for me thanks to America’s Best Dance Crew and its recent crowning of the JabbaWockeez as winners of season 1.

After being wholeheartedly inspired by them, and after a few hardcore sessions, I decided to test my skills and take it to the dance floor.

Result: Go clubbing downtown. Attempt to jock on girls using Jabbawockee moves. Look like an idiot. FAIL.

■ Goal #4: Become the greatest singer ever.

O.k. not really, but I just wanted to mention that Miss Ramiele Malubay finally got the boot on American Idol, after what her critics agreed was nothing short of an uninspiring series of lackluster performances. Either way, she's still an idol in my book.

Result: Ramiele Malubay, FAIL.

■ Goal #5: Become the next great baseball phenom.

With baseball season in full gear, my break also consisted of an unhealthy dose of baseball-related activities, including watching games across Major League Baseball, researching and tinkering with my fantasy teams, and enjoying the Padres opening week at Petco Park; highlighted by Jake Peavy’s should-of-been-a-shut-out complete game, and ending with Grandpa Hoffman once again showing his age.

Result: Attempt to prove my worth at the batting cages. Swing away and go 0 for 100. FAIL.

■ Goal #6: Lastly, catch up on movies I’ve been eager to see.

Namely, this meant finally watching the Oscar Winner for Best Picture, the movie No Country for Old Men such as Trevor Hoffman. I’ve been impressed with all of the Best Picture winners for the past several years, from Gladiator in 2000 to The Depated in 2006. Likewise, 2007 was no different.

In fact, I was so impressed with No Country for Old Men, that I decided to make a secondary goal of becoming a badass like the movie’s antagonist, Anton Chiguhr, played by Javier Bardem. Not surprisingly, Bardem won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his memorable performance as the psychopathic killer. However, I also figured that this meant I had to copy his stylish hair-do, in order to achieve such a level of badass-ness.

Even Hannibal Lector and the Terminator couldn't fuck with this guy.

After applying some instant hair-growth gel and observing the results, I realized that I had no chance whatsoever of imitating his Beatles’ mop-top, as you can see here:

Result: A nappy-ass fro. FAIL.

■ In retrospect, I guess you can say my Spring Break fell short of expectations, as I failed to accomplish any of my goals that were more than easy to attain. Still, I suppose it was worth the fun and effort. Now that I look back, this post could’ve been the perfect compliment to the FAILURE homie edition, minus the pedophilic attempts and a ridiculously huge bump on the forehead. Now begins another lame attempt to get back into school mode; good luck everyone.

Best,
Adonis