Fuckin Padres: On life support?

Fuckin Padres. 5 weeks into the season, it comes to no surprise that the San Diego Padres are exactly where they left off last year… as LOSERS. Currently the freaky friars sit on a pathetic 11-17* record, struggling to gain a foothold in a competitively-agonizing division that’s characterized by some of the worst offensive numbers as a team, and by a lackluster bullpen led by none other than Grandpa Hoffman himself, only one-year removed from being one of the best in baseball.

In all fairness, many of our players aren’t living up to their full potential as evidenced in the past. Likewise, there remains much baseball left to be played, meaning things can turn around for the Pads in a hurry as long as the Swinging Friar can lay off the Asian girls. Still, temper your expectations going forward, as it seems the team is still hungover from last season’s heartbreaking debacle. Fuck you Matt Holliday, fuck you.

Why you should still be keepin’ the faith

Jake Peavy and Mark Prior


If there is one player on the Padres that can carry the team on his back and single handily lead them to another playoff berth, it has to be the 2007 Cy Young Winner and home-grown hero Jake Peavy. You really have to feel bad for the guy though – all he does is go out there and pitch brilliantly, even hitting better than half his teammates, but ends up having to watch his team go to shit time and time again. Still, I have confidence that his demi-god powers alone will salvage the Padres season from total embarrassment.

Off-season addition Mark Prior also boasts superhuman powers like Peavy, being a dominant hurler and owning batters with an impressive arsenal of power pitches... but that was 5 long years ago. Since then, the San Diego native has been plagued by injuries and bad luck, and is currently rotting away on the disabled list in hopes of returning by mid-summer.

There is hope though, even if he is made of glass. The Padres have always worked well in developing their pitching staff, and if Prior can return to even a shell of his former self would be huge; his 2003 numbers alone were on par with Peavy’s Cy Young campaign of last year. Thus, Prior is the Padres’ low-risk high-reward secret weapon; capable of improving an already quality starting rotation as long as he and stella can get their groove back.

Trevor Hoffman and Greg Maddux


2008 may also be the last opportunity to watch two of baseball’s all-time greats and future Hall-of-Famers, Grandpa Hoffman and Grandpa Maddux, respectively, both of whom just recently joined AARP. The two of them are only signed through this season, so whether they choose to retire, or move on to another team, or if the Padres decide to re-sign them, is still up to much speculation.

My guess with Mad Dog is he’ll still pitch for one or two more years at most before moving on to his Professional Poker career, but not in a Padres uniform – most likely with an eager team in serious contention as quality starters are becoming hard to come by. Also, because the pricy Maddux has been playing since the end of the Cold War, re-signing him seems very unlikely, especially for the stingy-minded Padres.

On the bright side, Maddux seems to have taught his young grasshopper Peavy everything he knows, so his work in San Diego is complete. But despite being at the end of his career, don’t let his goofy appearance fool you; Maddux is still the grand wizard of pitching, and still amazing to watch even as a senior citizen.



Hoffman on the other hand, is someone that I feel will finally hang up the glove by season’s end. While he had a terrible April last year as well and still ended the season with elite numbers, he and his signature leg kick no longer strikes that same fear into batters as it once did. Also, now that his ‘fastball’ is the same velocity as his changeup, his ability to close games is becoming more of a coin-flip than the sure-thing of the past, which is painful to watch for any fan. Of course, no Padres fan wants to see the San Diego favorite call it quits, but even then I’d rather see him retire and bring some stability back to bullpen, and at least not in another team’s uniform.

Save for another playoff run, (which the Padres should be able to pull off this season...) Hoffman has little more to prove or show for, as he already leads the All-time Saves list, a milestone that took 15 years in the making. Regardless, Trevor Time and the days of hearing Hell’s Bells ring in San Diego, not to mention watching one of the most dominant closers in baseball history play, are running short.

*Note: O.K. so we did win yesterday, but the opposing pitcher is also an old geezer like Hoffman and Maddux - hopefully it’s a positive sign of things to come.