Fuckin Padres: Oh yeah, fuck you too Jim Edmonds

Fuckin Padres. I admit, I was fairly pleased when I first heard the news that the Padres signed former Cardinals superstar and 8-time gold glover Jim Edmonds to play centerfield. I mean, why not? This guy for years has repeatedly fucked us over during his tenure with St. Louis, making spectacular dives and over the shoulder grabs in a Swan Lake fashion, robbing our paltry hitters for all of their worth.

Problem is, I had no idea he could still fuck us over even in a Padres uniform.

The brittle 37-year-old Edmonds was released by the Padres after just 6-weeks into season with nothing to show for but plenty of strikeouts and dropped balls.

Apparently, the Padres’ front office felt Edmonds was doing more harm than good, a notion supported by his pathetic .178 batting average and his miserable defensive play which essentially made him useless. They were also willing to cough up 4 million dollars worth of Edmonds’ contract, as compensation for kicking the washed-up outfielder to the curb. Edmonds now returns to St. Louis a hero, his secret mission to infiltrate and destroy the Padres organization from within all but complete.

The sad part is, while no one expected Edmonds to make any real offensive contributions, I for one, hoped to watch him make at least a few brilliant catches before blowing out his knee, or, I guess in his loser-case, getting kicked off the team just for being a total bust. Instead, he leaves us with zero highlight reel appearances, a question mark in centerfield, 4 million dollars down the drain, and another embarrassing stain on the Padres ‘08 season.

For the sad little Padre fan, fear not; since Edmonds’ departure, the freaky friars have made adjustments to the batting order, winning 3 of the past 4 games, and at least have a centerfield replacement in Jody “I will always be mediocre” Gerut. Plus, with several moves to the overall team roster, Edmonds will soon just be an unpleasant, but forgetful memory.

What could have been... (Just imagine blue in place of all the red)


Since everything in sports can be attributed to superstition and jinxes, I firmly believe that the centerfield position for the Padres is legitimately CURSED ever since Petco Park’s conception in 2004.

No Padre has been able to consistently play the position, or for that matter, handle the spacious baseball hell that is Pecto's centerfield.

2008: Jim Edmonds, Jody Gerut?


The washed-up Edmonds in his short-stint probably gave up more hits playing centerfield than the Padres’ offense could probably muster all year. Still, he obviously wasn’t our first choice to play center for San Diego this season; remember Japanese import Kaisuke Fukudome? Speaking of Fuck-u-do-me, he is currently hitting .321 for Chicago while winning the hearts of Cubs fans with his determination and winning attitude. Fuckin Padres man.

2007: Mike Cameron, now with the Milwaukee Brewers


Oh how I miss thee Mike Cameron. He was probably the only Padre closest to taming Petco’s beast-like centerfield, but the aforementioned curse prevented him from playing in last year's one-game-playoff where we needed him most, as he was forced to sit out with an injured thumb. Ex-Padre and true goat Brady Clark attempted to help take centerstage that night, and coincidentally, missed several potential outs with his shaky defense despite not even playing in San Diego. The Pads would eventually lose the game 8-9 and miss the playoffs as a result of his and the rest of the team's fuck-ups. Fuck you Matt Holliday, fuck you. And you too Brady Clark.

2006 & 2005: Dave Roberts, now with San Francisco


The blackanese Dave Roberts patrolled centerfield during these years, and while he was a fan favorite and a speedster on the basepaths, his defense was suspect, especially in Petco’s cavernous outfield.

2004:
Jay Payton…what trash, he fell way short of expectations, and he is not even worth talking about. Fucking garbage machine.

Before Petco:
Ironically, before moving from Qualcomm to the newly built Petco Park, the Pads’ 2003 opening-day roster included names such as Jason Bay, Mark Kotsay, Shane Victorino, and Gary Matthews Jr., all of whom are capable outfielders and now making spectacular plays for other teams... I guess they forgot to bring one of these guys along for the ride downtown. Fuckin Padres.

*Update: Edmonds to the Chicago Cubs? Really??

Fuckin Padres: On life support?

Fuckin Padres. 5 weeks into the season, it comes to no surprise that the San Diego Padres are exactly where they left off last year… as LOSERS. Currently the freaky friars sit on a pathetic 11-17* record, struggling to gain a foothold in a competitively-agonizing division that’s characterized by some of the worst offensive numbers as a team, and by a lackluster bullpen led by none other than Grandpa Hoffman himself, only one-year removed from being one of the best in baseball.

In all fairness, many of our players aren’t living up to their full potential as evidenced in the past. Likewise, there remains much baseball left to be played, meaning things can turn around for the Pads in a hurry as long as the Swinging Friar can lay off the Asian girls. Still, temper your expectations going forward, as it seems the team is still hungover from last season’s heartbreaking debacle. Fuck you Matt Holliday, fuck you.

Why you should still be keepin’ the faith

Jake Peavy and Mark Prior


If there is one player on the Padres that can carry the team on his back and single handily lead them to another playoff berth, it has to be the 2007 Cy Young Winner and home-grown hero Jake Peavy. You really have to feel bad for the guy though – all he does is go out there and pitch brilliantly, even hitting better than half his teammates, but ends up having to watch his team go to shit time and time again. Still, I have confidence that his demi-god powers alone will salvage the Padres season from total embarrassment.

Off-season addition Mark Prior also boasts superhuman powers like Peavy, being a dominant hurler and owning batters with an impressive arsenal of power pitches... but that was 5 long years ago. Since then, the San Diego native has been plagued by injuries and bad luck, and is currently rotting away on the disabled list in hopes of returning by mid-summer.

There is hope though, even if he is made of glass. The Padres have always worked well in developing their pitching staff, and if Prior can return to even a shell of his former self would be huge; his 2003 numbers alone were on par with Peavy’s Cy Young campaign of last year. Thus, Prior is the Padres’ low-risk high-reward secret weapon; capable of improving an already quality starting rotation as long as he and stella can get their groove back.

Trevor Hoffman and Greg Maddux


2008 may also be the last opportunity to watch two of baseball’s all-time greats and future Hall-of-Famers, Grandpa Hoffman and Grandpa Maddux, respectively, both of whom just recently joined AARP. The two of them are only signed through this season, so whether they choose to retire, or move on to another team, or if the Padres decide to re-sign them, is still up to much speculation.

My guess with Mad Dog is he’ll still pitch for one or two more years at most before moving on to his Professional Poker career, but not in a Padres uniform – most likely with an eager team in serious contention as quality starters are becoming hard to come by. Also, because the pricy Maddux has been playing since the end of the Cold War, re-signing him seems very unlikely, especially for the stingy-minded Padres.

On the bright side, Maddux seems to have taught his young grasshopper Peavy everything he knows, so his work in San Diego is complete. But despite being at the end of his career, don’t let his goofy appearance fool you; Maddux is still the grand wizard of pitching, and still amazing to watch even as a senior citizen.



Hoffman on the other hand, is someone that I feel will finally hang up the glove by season’s end. While he had a terrible April last year as well and still ended the season with elite numbers, he and his signature leg kick no longer strikes that same fear into batters as it once did. Also, now that his ‘fastball’ is the same velocity as his changeup, his ability to close games is becoming more of a coin-flip than the sure-thing of the past, which is painful to watch for any fan. Of course, no Padres fan wants to see the San Diego favorite call it quits, but even then I’d rather see him retire and bring some stability back to bullpen, and at least not in another team’s uniform.

Save for another playoff run, (which the Padres should be able to pull off this season...) Hoffman has little more to prove or show for, as he already leads the All-time Saves list, a milestone that took 15 years in the making. Regardless, Trevor Time and the days of hearing Hell’s Bells ring in San Diego, not to mention watching one of the most dominant closers in baseball history play, are running short.

*Note: O.K. so we did win yesterday, but the opposing pitcher is also an old geezer like Hoffman and Maddux - hopefully it’s a positive sign of things to come.