Fuckin Padres: Oh yeah, fuck you too Jim Edmonds

Fuckin Padres. I admit, I was fairly pleased when I first heard the news that the Padres signed former Cardinals superstar and 8-time gold glover Jim Edmonds to play centerfield. I mean, why not? This guy for years has repeatedly fucked us over during his tenure with St. Louis, making spectacular dives and over the shoulder grabs in a Swan Lake fashion, robbing our paltry hitters for all of their worth.

Problem is, I had no idea he could still fuck us over even in a Padres uniform.

The brittle 37-year-old Edmonds was released by the Padres after just 6-weeks into season with nothing to show for but plenty of strikeouts and dropped balls.

Apparently, the Padres’ front office felt Edmonds was doing more harm than good, a notion supported by his pathetic .178 batting average and his miserable defensive play which essentially made him useless. They were also willing to cough up 4 million dollars worth of Edmonds’ contract, as compensation for kicking the washed-up outfielder to the curb. Edmonds now returns to St. Louis a hero, his secret mission to infiltrate and destroy the Padres organization from within all but complete.

The sad part is, while no one expected Edmonds to make any real offensive contributions, I for one, hoped to watch him make at least a few brilliant catches before blowing out his knee, or, I guess in his loser-case, getting kicked off the team just for being a total bust. Instead, he leaves us with zero highlight reel appearances, a question mark in centerfield, 4 million dollars down the drain, and another embarrassing stain on the Padres ‘08 season.

For the sad little Padre fan, fear not; since Edmonds’ departure, the freaky friars have made adjustments to the batting order, winning 3 of the past 4 games, and at least have a centerfield replacement in Jody “I will always be mediocre” Gerut. Plus, with several moves to the overall team roster, Edmonds will soon just be an unpleasant, but forgetful memory.

What could have been... (Just imagine blue in place of all the red)


Since everything in sports can be attributed to superstition and jinxes, I firmly believe that the centerfield position for the Padres is legitimately CURSED ever since Petco Park’s conception in 2004.

No Padre has been able to consistently play the position, or for that matter, handle the spacious baseball hell that is Pecto's centerfield.

2008: Jim Edmonds, Jody Gerut?


The washed-up Edmonds in his short-stint probably gave up more hits playing centerfield than the Padres’ offense could probably muster all year. Still, he obviously wasn’t our first choice to play center for San Diego this season; remember Japanese import Kaisuke Fukudome? Speaking of Fuck-u-do-me, he is currently hitting .321 for Chicago while winning the hearts of Cubs fans with his determination and winning attitude. Fuckin Padres man.

2007: Mike Cameron, now with the Milwaukee Brewers


Oh how I miss thee Mike Cameron. He was probably the only Padre closest to taming Petco’s beast-like centerfield, but the aforementioned curse prevented him from playing in last year's one-game-playoff where we needed him most, as he was forced to sit out with an injured thumb. Ex-Padre and true goat Brady Clark attempted to help take centerstage that night, and coincidentally, missed several potential outs with his shaky defense despite not even playing in San Diego. The Pads would eventually lose the game 8-9 and miss the playoffs as a result of his and the rest of the team's fuck-ups. Fuck you Matt Holliday, fuck you. And you too Brady Clark.

2006 & 2005: Dave Roberts, now with San Francisco


The blackanese Dave Roberts patrolled centerfield during these years, and while he was a fan favorite and a speedster on the basepaths, his defense was suspect, especially in Petco’s cavernous outfield.

2004:
Jay Payton…what trash, he fell way short of expectations, and he is not even worth talking about. Fucking garbage machine.

Before Petco:
Ironically, before moving from Qualcomm to the newly built Petco Park, the Pads’ 2003 opening-day roster included names such as Jason Bay, Mark Kotsay, Shane Victorino, and Gary Matthews Jr., all of whom are capable outfielders and now making spectacular plays for other teams... I guess they forgot to bring one of these guys along for the ride downtown. Fuckin Padres.

*Update: Edmonds to the Chicago Cubs? Really??