TEAM CACHO DEFEATS TEAM DONDON IN 5K OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

The Official Times:

Last month’s epic battle between Team DonDon and the evil Team Cacho resulted in a heartbreaking loss for the boys in orange and neon-green, with Lance and his cronies managing to avoid the upset as they narrowly defeated Team DonDon by 1 second.

Battered by injuries, distractions, and locker room malcontent, Team DonDon apparently could not hold things together during the much-anticipated 5k event, despite Olympic-esque efforts by all-star runners Judd “White Power” Judd and Lu “Flying High” Lu, both of whom finished with record times.

“They had no chance whatsoever,” Cacho muttered, as he bit down into his victory Ultimate Cheeseburger after the race. “There are winners and losers in life… and Team DonDon is a loser!”

The extended 1.5 mile stretch of the race proved disastrous for both teams however, as the course itself was littered with numerous fast-food establishments that kept both teams on their toes and their stomachs grumbling. 7-11, Jack-in-the-Box, McDonalds, Burger King, and In-n-Out became a common sight and a legitimate threat for runners attempting to maintain a steady pace.

“It was driving me crazy,” said Omar of Team DonDon. “Everywhere I’d run there’d be fast-food workers cheering me on, holding out water and telling me to take a break. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

The $2 Ultimate Cheeseburger deal, combined with the unbearable heat, lack of preparation, and a poor outing by their Team Captain eventually led to Team DonDon’s downfall. Still, Judd remained optimistic, praising the team’s tremendous effort in the midst of such overwhelming odds.

“We thudave beatth thum.” he said.

Team Captain DonDon was apparently unavailable for comment following his team’s defeat. Teammates described him looking “heartbroken,” and “emo,” not even saying a word when times were announced. He was last seen headed to La Jolla Cliffs with a guitar in hand, blasting Daphne Loves Derby from his car as he drove off into the distance. His current whereabouts are unknown at the time.