Thursday, May 15, 2008

Movie Madness = Sys-tem O-ver-load...

Recession? HAH! Why freak out and hoard all your money in a piggybank when you can help salvage the slumping economy by spending it at the movies, shelling out $11 for a ticket and another $10 for popcorn.

Really though, this coming summer has a number of attractive movies to look forward, such as the aforementioned film, The Dark Knight, which is surrounded by so much hype that the trailer was enough to give Lance a bat boner. Some are already in theaters, including:

Iron Man (Now playing)

Robert Downing Jr. is the man… the Iron Man! His portrayal as the alcoholic playboy Tony Stark, combined with the script’s witty dialogue and simply seeing Iron Man come to life, quite possibly makes this film the best Marvel adaptation to date, maybe even rivaling my reigning favorite Spider-Man in that regard.

What impressed me the most about Iron Man, however, was the cleverly crafted product placement scenes that now has me longing for a new, hip, Verizon LG phone, an Audi, and a newfound love for Burger King. I now want to be just as cool as Tony Stark and:

1) Purchase an outdated Verizon LG VX9400 because you can supposedly talk to your friends via live video feed,
2) Lease a $50,000 Audi Q7 SUV because even Iron Man can’t break through its flawless safety features, and
3) Become a loyal Whopper fanatic because Burger King should be the first place I think of when I’m craving an “American cheeseburger.” Yeah! Fuck you Jack-in-the-Box!

The Incredible Hulk (In theaters, June 13)

Sorry Eric Bana, you were either so terrible in your depiction of the Jolly Green Giant, or stupid enough to sign on for a busted production that Marvel decided that your 2003 adaptation failed to serve the Hulk any justice. Luckily, a total reboot of the franchise, starring badass Edward Norton as The Incredible Hulk, is in the works. It’s not easy being green, but I’m confident that Norton’s performance will finally help me understand what the hell the Hulk’s storyline is.

Indiana Jones, the 4th installment (In theaters, May 22)

I guess we’re in for a treat this summer, as it seems the sequel to No Country for Old Men will be hitting theaters sooner than expected. Only this time, the movie will be titled Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and instead star an ancient Harrison Ford as he rises from the dead for another epic adventure.

The long-awaited continuation of the Indiana Jones franchise will also star Transformers’ lovable loser, Shia LeBeouf, as Indy’s hard-nosed sidekick, although Transformers’ and cool kids favorite Megan Fox, will unfortunately not make an appearance. LeBeouf, heralded as the “next Tom Hanks,” will also help bring in some much needed youth to the film, as Ford is now at the rotting age of 65-years-old and soon on his way toward the light. Still, you can’t tell a man who’s played Han Solo, and the President of the United States, to back down from reprising his role as the whip-wielding college professor who always seems to be getting into shit.

Baby Mama (Now playing)

Even though this movie has been out for a couple of weeks now, my unhealthy Tina Fey obsession requires that I mention my wifey and her career endeavors whenever possible. Fey stars alongside Amy Poehler in the buddy-comedy, with Fey playing a career woman in hopes that her hillbilly surrogate mother, played by Poehler, can bear her child. I have yet to see Baby Mama, and I have a feeling that the movie will be full of girly jokes and maternal references that will probably confuse the shit out of me. Nevertheless, the prospect of watching Tina Fey in a lead role for 2 hours is something I can’t miss out on.

The Mighty Thor! (In theaters, July 4)

The Adventures of Thor, starring Kevin Sorbo!! ...O.k. just kidding, there’s nothing concrete yet, but my gut instincts tell me that once production of a Thor or Avengers movie is in full gear, there’s only one obvious choice when it comes to casting someone to play the Norse God of Thunder. Sorbo is a lock.

Honorable mentions:

Speed Racer (Now playing) – Mentioned in an earlier post by nazer, I also agree that “if you can make it all the way to the end, then you have balls.”

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (In theaters tomorrow, May 16) - Any movie with large-scale CGI battles and weird fantasy creatures fighting with swords is always Oscar worthy in my book.

Hancock (In theaters, July 2)“With great power, comes great responsibility…” Will Smith apparently said “fuck that”, as he plays a drunk hobo blessed with superpowers but also too lazy to use them.


  1. hooray for summer blockbuster season.

    time to pay too much for movies with too much hype only to leave disappointed (dark knight being the exception)

    and then I'll bash the movies calling them "worst films of the year" once again, hell yeah

    and I haven't seen it, but I heard iron man has big ass Apple monitors in his apartment, but the villarin has a big ass Dell, hilarious!

  2. i forgot about your man crush on kevin sorbo. i wonder who would in a fight, hercules, or the captain from andromeda?

  3. iron man was alright...
    not really looking forward to hulk either because the first one left a bad mark on me

    good entry anyway