Currently at 00% on the tomatometer…

 

Out in theaters today, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li is Capcom and 20th Century Fox’s latest attempt to reboot the Street Fighter film franchise.  The film wasn’t screened for critics (never a good sign), and with only 15 reviews currently on rottentomatoes.com, not one critic deemed the film “FRESH”.

With all of the success that the release of Street Fighter IV generated, the movie could possibly salvage some kind of a decent box-office performance.  But if this movie goes down in history as a colossal failure like the original 1994 flick, then I have some advice for Capcom and any studios who hope to capitalize on the venerable video game franchise: STOP TRYING. 

Street Fighter is a wildly successful game franchise due to its tight controls and incredibly deep fighting gameplay.  The game’s storyline was never particularly fascinating (any movie about a crime syndicate that holds a massive fighting tournament will pale in comparison to Enter the Dragon), which is why I don’t think it translates to film very well.  The most popular face of the franchise, Ryu, is a loner who doesn’t say much, doesn’t have much charisma and is really only likable because he looks cool and he’s relatively easy to use.  Those aren’t really the characteristics of a starring movie role, so why do you think they threw Kristen Kreuk (mmm…) into a film about Chun-Li?

The 1994 animated film, Street Fighter II, was well-received, but I’m still not sure how popular that hand-drawn movie is without the infamous Chun-Li shower scene.  Yeah, that scene was really up there for me in terms of animated hotties, right along with Ariel’s seashell bra in Little Mermaid.

So here’s my final plea to all movie studios: Street Fighter just doesn’t play out well on film, especially American film where it’s just going to end up looking like a boring Action vehicle.  If you’re going to make a movie like that, it’s already been done in 1994, and that movie is probably better than anything else that will come out in the future.

It also had one of the greatest movie speeches of all-time:

“Greatest Moment in Cinematic History” indeed.

Taking the 'Disney boner' thing way too far.

Can't say I've watched the entire thing all the way through, but it's obvious we weren't the only ones fancying these hand-drawn babes.

[The Internet is Terrible]

Enchanted? Hell yeah!

I know I'm a little late with this, but my most recent movie in my Netflix queue was a true work of art entitled Enchanted. In our modern day world where children's movies consist of Shrek sequels and Pixar films, it was almost as if the happily ever after, fairytale-esque message was slowly fading away. Now don't get me wrong, I love those movies, but there was something about this film that really brought back memories of Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella, moving me once again to that daydream state of mind.


Enchanted starts off in a classic cartoon Disney setting with princess Giselle and a large assortment of talking animals eagerly awaiting her prince. As she sings, the sound of her voice reaches the ears of Prince Edward, who then jumps on his trusted white horse and races towards her. They meet, and in typical fairy tale fashion decide to get married. Prince Edward's evil stepmother Queen Narissa becomes jealous of Giselle, thinking that she only wants to steal her place on the throne, so she disguises herself as an old lady, and on Edward and Giselle's wedding day, she sends her to a place where "there are no happily ever afters," modern day Manhattan. There she runs into Derek Shepherd, and he decides to help her out. This all sounds pretty cheesy I know, but dig deeper into the film, and you'll be treated to a delightful film that takes another swing at the traditional fairy tale.


Another thing that is so attractive about this movie was all of it's technical achievements. Incredible effects are used throughout the movie to give our world a magical feel, and while I'm not the biggest fan of CGI (something about the lack of real weight weirds me out), this movie does a great job, displaying things like animals and so on.

The music is done by everyone's favorite composer Alan Menken with songs by Stephen Schwartz. The music is scored like any other Disney movie, but mixing that with characters walking throughout the streets of New York brings a charming feeling to all of it. The live musical sequences are hilarious and truly give you that feeling of a classic Disney movie.

But in my opinion the movie really comes to life with the work of Amy Adams. There's something about the way she moves through the film that really leaves your heart and mind tingling. She performs like a real princess, with such grace and charm; top tier indeed.

So all in all this was 107 minutes well spent. A brilliant blend of nostalgia with a modern twist. Take some of the film industries best, along with some awesome acting and fantastic music (the costumes are sick too), and you're left with a truly masterful piece of work.

Because Chinese Girls can become Men too

With one more final left to go, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to remain focused, especially with lingering thoughts of how awful I performed on my previous tests. Luckily, I’ve found the perfect remedy to alleviate all my depressing thoughts, designed around a fail-proof plan of watching several enlightening youtube videos.

My first source of inspiration is a no brainer; most of you probably watch it right before leaving the house to kick some ass in whatever. If not, it consists of watching Lance’s old post of Jean Claude Van Damme’s classic speech in the movie Street Fighter, which is arguably one of the “Greatest Moments in Cinematic History.” I watch it at a modest 5 or so times in a row, until I start shaking my head like the Indian soldier, and feel so pumped up that I throw my fist up at the end too. I’d watch it a few more times, but my adrenaline rush is usually at its peak by then so I tend to take it easy after that.

Next, I watch an assortment of Steven Seagal action clips, such as this one in the movie “Out for Justice” where he single-handily, TAKES OUT THE TRASH!!



Steven Seagal is fucking awesome. Not only does he display some handy shotgun work, and blasts someone’s leg off, but on top of that, he makes short work of a fat guy with just one fucking judo kick to the gut. While this clip doesn’t really pertain to finals, and probably has absolutely no inspirational value whatsoever unless you too, are out for some street justice, I still think its pretty badass nonetheless.

If Van Damme and Steven Seagal isn’t enough to pump me up and get me back to studying, I resort to another well-known source of motivation, inspired by the recent Disney theme.

From Disney’s Mulan: “I’ll make a man out of you!”



Thanks to the historical accuracy of Mulan, I now know how it feels to be a Chinese recruit back in the day; and it must’ve really sucked, with such absurd standards just to get through boot camp. Shooting 3 apples in mid-air with a bow while still hitting the target – Getting stoned while balancing a bucket of water on your head – Dodging a hail of flaming arrows - Having to break a stone slab – Are you fucking serious?? But hey, if this is what Mulan had to go through, there’s no reason for me to give up on studying, finals, or just school in general for that matter. If a young Chinese women can transform into a dude overnight, I too, can do the same… and perform well on my last test.

Well For Me...

To: Adonis "The Noob"
From: Nazer
Re: DISNEY CHICKS: Who is Top Tier

My choice would have to be the darling Belle. She's pretty, intelligent, humble, and has incredibly good judgement. Guys always talk about the girl who gets with the loser asshole, but Belle denies the incredibly arrogant Gaston even after he proposes to her; such a great sense of character.

She has an unbreakable love for her family which is always admirable. Even though her greedy sisters ask for jewelry and other material possessions from her hardworking father, Belle asks for nothing more than a rose.

Her love for the Beast shows her ability to look past looks and see a man for what he really is. But in the end we all know that the Beast was too much of a pussy to hurt anyone, so his ass got stabbed by that loser Gaston.

So in the end Belle would be the one for me. She has all the qualities that make a girl attractive, but she doesn't need the horse-drawn carriage, magic carpet, crabs that sing, talking dragons, or all the money in the world to be happy. Plus she hangs out with teapots and candlesticks so I'm sure she wouldn't mind a little house work. Most definitely top tier.

Re: DISNEY CHICKS: Who is Top Tier?

To: Adonis "the Noob"
From: Just "the extraordinary" Ray

For whatever reason all this talk of Princess Jasmine made me want to post this:


My vote goes to princess jasmine as well. There are a couple of pros and cons to getting with jasmine.

Pros:
1. Shes loaded, you wouldn't have to work another day of your life.
2. Jasmine is always wearing lingerie.
3. She can show you a whole new world
4. Her pops sultan agrabah is a push over, so you could convince him to lend you money all the time.

Cons:

1. Shes married, but husbands are just goalies...preventing the score.
2. Her tiger Rajah might eat you while you sleep.
3. After doing the deed, your room would smell potently of curry and i would guess even the strongest febreze couldn't get that smell out of your sheets.
4. According to russell peters indian women are super hairy.....gross

DISNEY CHICKS: Who is Top Tier?

Lets say, in another alternate universe, all the Disney Princesses were real people; possibly just the girl next door, walking around, doing their thing, and they all just so happened to be single and on the market. How would they fair in today’s world? Who would you consider? After hours of tense deliberation, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s only one Disney girl out there for me. But before revealing my decision, here’s how the others would have faired.

Ariel, aka the Little Mermaid

She’s a great singer, an exceptional swimmer, and especially goal-oriented. For instance, one of her ambitions was to grow feet; that alone can say a lot about a person’s character. So what’s the problem? Unfortunately, she’s a fucking mermaid. She’s a freak, a mutant; she has fins for legs. Not to be a hater or anything, and while mixed-women tend to be some of the most attractive girls out there, going out with Ariel would present a number of potential problems – I’d have a tough time being romantic while having to push her ass around in a shopping cart all day.

Plus, are dates on land would be limited to trips to Sea World, where I’m certain the other fish would jock on her and steal my thunder. Damn you Shamu. Also, I’m not that great of a swimmer myself, and visits to her house unda da sea would be difficult. Not to mention, her overprotective hard-ass daddy, King Triton, is probably every guy’s worst nightmare.

(Eating dinner with her parents)
King Triton: So, Adonis… your name is ‘Adonis,’ correct?

Me: (nervously) Uh, yes sir, it is.

King Triton: Adonis eh? What kind of queer name is Adonis anyways?

Me: Umm, well it’s uh –

King Triton: (interrupting) Nevermind that. So Ariel tells me you go to UCSD, Home of the, “Tritons?”

Me: (excidetly) Oh yes sir! It’s great, our mascot is named after you –

King Triton: (interrupting again) HUH? What kind of nonsense is that? Are you saying my honorable name is being used for a school full of scrawny nerds and sissy-men? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME??

Me: (awkward silence) Uhh… sorry Ariel, I forgot, I actually gotta go...

But hey, who can forget about…
Pocahontas

Tall, athletic, caring, and peace-loving; It’s easy to see why she stands above the competition. However, her fanatical environmentalism and obsession with safeguarding Mother Earth would eventually push me over the edge. Plus she seems to dig white guys.

(Trying to find a place to eat)
Me: Babe, we’ve been driving around forever, why can’t I just pick this time?

Pocahontas: (angrily) For the last time, don’t EVER call me babe. How many times do I have to tell you, we are all Mother Nature’s children. I am no more special than you, that rock, or that tree. And why don’t we just eat at Souplantation again? That sounds good doesn’t it?

Me: (irritated) C’mon, I’m so sick of eating salad. That’s all you want to eat. Vegetables and shit. Why can’t we get something better to eat for once, like some fried chicken. Hell yeah, that sounds good. I’m down for some Popeyes.

Pocahontas: (stunned) I can’t believe you just said that... Take me back to Mother Willow’s. I will not eat at a restaurant that butchers and slays innocent beings! Cuz’ I know every rock and tree and creature, has a life, has a spirit, has a NAAAAMMMEE... (starts to sing the rest of “Colors of the Wind”)

Me: Stop, stop. O.k., o.k., I get it, I’m sorry. I was just joking around, I love animals. We’ll go to Souplantation… (Car suddenly stops.) What the hell. Ah shit, the battery’s dead again. Fuck these piece of shit electric cars! (I slam on the steering wheel, reach into my pocket, and pull out a cigarette)

Pocahontas: What… are you doing… (Starts to tear up) The other day I catch you littering, and now this? Polluting the air?? You said you quit!! Justin was right about you, you don’t care about Mother Earth at all!

Me: Wait, what? Justin? You’ve been talking to him again? What’s with you and white guys?? (Shaking her head, she gets up out of the car) Babe! Come back here, I’m sorry all right! Get back in here! (She runs off into the woods, sobbing)

Me: (yelling) Fine then! Go be ahead and run off with that white dude, John, Judd, Smith, whatever the fuck his name is. See if I care. Once I get this shit started I’m going to McDonalds and ordering the whole fucking menu. You here me! Bitch!

So things between me and her didn’t work out, but hey, there’s always…
Belle, of Beauty and the Beast

She seems like a sure-thing – She’s intelligent, open-minded, loves her family, and evidently she doesn’t care too much about looks. Yeah, Belle seems perfect… if it wasn’t for this hulking motherfucker right here:


Basically, the only negative about her, besides her apparent beastiality, is having to deal with an angry ex-boyfriend who could quite literally hunt you down and rip your head off. Is she worth it? Maybe, maybe not, but I sure hell wouldn't risk it.

Honorable mentions:
Cinderella – Too much of a junkie for my tastes. Besides a habit of talking to rats named “Gus Gus”, her ride is a pimped-out giant pumpkin, and her outfits tend to incorporate scandalous glass heels.

Sleeping Beauty – What a lazy ass. She just sleeps all day.

Snow White – Hell no, she’s probably the closest thing to a whore out of the bunch. Not only is she a complete ditz for taking food from complete strangers, and getting into trouble, but she happens to live in a house with SEVEN other dudes! There’s no fun with Dopey and the gang always tagging along.


Mulan – No Asian bias here. With so many manly features, she looks too much like a dude. A dude I might add, who could easily kung fu my ass.

So after careful consideration, the winner goes to…
Princess Jasmine

Really, what guy can resist Princess Jasmine, who is definitely Disney’s cream of the crop. Not only is she one exotic women and often scantily clad, she has a fiery personality that makes her just as appealing. She also happens to be loaded, living large in a ballin’ palace, and could very well be the perfect sugar mamma. But what really separates her from the rest has to be the fact that despite her material wealth and possibility of being a stuck-up rich kid, she nevertheless, isn’t quick to judge.

Perfect (and only) example:
Aladdin – He is, without question, a scrub. A STREET RAT. He has no money, no car, his pad is a dump, and his best friend is a monkey. Jasmine however, did not take these issues into account, and in the end, the dirt poor Aladdin still won her over through his charm, good-nature, and pure determination. With that said, Princess Jasmine is definitely top tier.