In 5 years...

Earlier this week, Melody forced the other roommates and I into a group activity where we predicted each other's lives 5 years from now. The results of this exercise can be found here, and they we're quite interesting to the say the least.

Since that was so fun, I figure I'd take it upon myself and do the same for the rest of the COOL KIDS. I'll start with myself, reprinted from Mel's entry.

IN 5 YEARS:

LANCE

-Best man at brother's wedding.
-Working for some unheard of, fledgling software company, not making as
much money as I want.
-Or working for some boring office with a whack IT job.
-Somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 lbs.
-Single. Living alone in Irvine or with David/Tony/Roger in SD.
-Had a girlfriend for at least a couple months sometime during the 5
years, but it ended very badly and is still bitter
-Frequent visitor of strip clubs and brothels.
-Though when he's with a prostitute he spends most of the time crying rather than actually having sex.

RAY


- Still doin his thing on the open mic circuit and the occasional hired gig
- Has a steady a girlfriend by this time.
- Had kept his peace streak going for a good couple years until a bad night at the club where in the midst of a fight, "RAYge" got the best of him, and he murdered a man with his bare fists in a back alley. No one would ever know that this actually happened.
- Works for a non-profit organization making a decent living, and making the world a better place.
- Still lives at the apt. in San Marcos where the homies reunite once in a while... when's the next kickback man?!
- Cut his hair eventually, but gained 10 lbs from eating too much mexican food and pussy (not at the same time).

NAZER

- Gets steady work making soundtracks for various movie and video game projects. Nazer's still early in the game though, forcing Lance to watch movies and play games that he would've never otherwise experienced just to see hear his buddy's work.
- After messing around with enough white girls, eventually gets a girlfriend who happens to be FILIPINO
- Lives in the NY area. Comes back to SD about every Christmas and homie wedding, but still keeps in touch through blog posts and AIM
- Gains about 15 lbs. from a steady diet of beer, sandwiches, and NOOBS IN ROCK BAND.
- Develops a Boston accent that annoys the hell out of all of us
- Buys a Playstation 3 because it is SO FUCKING AWESOME!

ADONIS

- Is in grad school, likely a prestigious law school or maybe somewhere on the east coast getting a journalism Master's.
- Working on the side as a freelance writer contributing to various nerd culture magazines, all while continuing to neglect his position at the CoolKidsRoom much to his fans' dismay.
- Single, but is 'talking' to someone. No one knows, because he thinks we're gonna think she's ugly.
- Doesn't live in SD anymore
- Smokes a carton a day
- Exercises regularly but doesn't lose any weight yet it improves his self-esteem
- Due to his lactose intolerance, at some point he shat his pants after having a post meal bowl of ice cream at a buffet restaurant. The table next to him could smell something was up but homeboy just continued playing it off.

So what do you think? Did I hit the nail on the head or what? Hopefully the rest of these guys can return the favor. Feel free to put your own 5 year predictions for yourself or anyone else in the comments.

Coming soon to iTunes...

198's self titled debut:



Including emo/r&b hits like

"Doom Me"
"The Kimchi Jigae"
"I Think It's Time For Intervention"
"Maybe You're Pregnant"
"Baggery Grocers"
"The Sink Smells"
"Embarassing Old Pictures"
"Why is Lance only wearing underwear?"
"20 guys KO'd in the living room"
"I Can't Be Magnonimous"
"TEACH ME HOW TO BE A DICK!"


and of course the hit single, "4 roommates, 1 shot glass"

Fuck, this is going to be the greatest record since Devotion's self-titled debut.

Well For Me...

To: Adonis "The Noob"
From: Nazer
Re: DISNEY CHICKS: Who is Top Tier

My choice would have to be the darling Belle. She's pretty, intelligent, humble, and has incredibly good judgement. Guys always talk about the girl who gets with the loser asshole, but Belle denies the incredibly arrogant Gaston even after he proposes to her; such a great sense of character.

She has an unbreakable love for her family which is always admirable. Even though her greedy sisters ask for jewelry and other material possessions from her hardworking father, Belle asks for nothing more than a rose.

Her love for the Beast shows her ability to look past looks and see a man for what he really is. But in the end we all know that the Beast was too much of a pussy to hurt anyone, so his ass got stabbed by that loser Gaston.

So in the end Belle would be the one for me. She has all the qualities that make a girl attractive, but she doesn't need the horse-drawn carriage, magic carpet, crabs that sing, talking dragons, or all the money in the world to be happy. Plus she hangs out with teapots and candlesticks so I'm sure she wouldn't mind a little house work. Most definitely top tier.

DISNEY CHICKS: Who is Top Tier?

Lets say, in another alternate universe, all the Disney Princesses were real people; possibly just the girl next door, walking around, doing their thing, and they all just so happened to be single and on the market. How would they fair in today’s world? Who would you consider? After hours of tense deliberation, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s only one Disney girl out there for me. But before revealing my decision, here’s how the others would have faired.

Ariel, aka the Little Mermaid

She’s a great singer, an exceptional swimmer, and especially goal-oriented. For instance, one of her ambitions was to grow feet; that alone can say a lot about a person’s character. So what’s the problem? Unfortunately, she’s a fucking mermaid. She’s a freak, a mutant; she has fins for legs. Not to be a hater or anything, and while mixed-women tend to be some of the most attractive girls out there, going out with Ariel would present a number of potential problems – I’d have a tough time being romantic while having to push her ass around in a shopping cart all day.

Plus, are dates on land would be limited to trips to Sea World, where I’m certain the other fish would jock on her and steal my thunder. Damn you Shamu. Also, I’m not that great of a swimmer myself, and visits to her house unda da sea would be difficult. Not to mention, her overprotective hard-ass daddy, King Triton, is probably every guy’s worst nightmare.

(Eating dinner with her parents)
King Triton: So, Adonis… your name is ‘Adonis,’ correct?

Me: (nervously) Uh, yes sir, it is.

King Triton: Adonis eh? What kind of queer name is Adonis anyways?

Me: Umm, well it’s uh –

King Triton: (interrupting) Nevermind that. So Ariel tells me you go to UCSD, Home of the, “Tritons?”

Me: (excidetly) Oh yes sir! It’s great, our mascot is named after you –

King Triton: (interrupting again) HUH? What kind of nonsense is that? Are you saying my honorable name is being used for a school full of scrawny nerds and sissy-men? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME??

Me: (awkward silence) Uhh… sorry Ariel, I forgot, I actually gotta go...

But hey, who can forget about…
Pocahontas

Tall, athletic, caring, and peace-loving; It’s easy to see why she stands above the competition. However, her fanatical environmentalism and obsession with safeguarding Mother Earth would eventually push me over the edge. Plus she seems to dig white guys.

(Trying to find a place to eat)
Me: Babe, we’ve been driving around forever, why can’t I just pick this time?

Pocahontas: (angrily) For the last time, don’t EVER call me babe. How many times do I have to tell you, we are all Mother Nature’s children. I am no more special than you, that rock, or that tree. And why don’t we just eat at Souplantation again? That sounds good doesn’t it?

Me: (irritated) C’mon, I’m so sick of eating salad. That’s all you want to eat. Vegetables and shit. Why can’t we get something better to eat for once, like some fried chicken. Hell yeah, that sounds good. I’m down for some Popeyes.

Pocahontas: (stunned) I can’t believe you just said that... Take me back to Mother Willow’s. I will not eat at a restaurant that butchers and slays innocent beings! Cuz’ I know every rock and tree and creature, has a life, has a spirit, has a NAAAAMMMEE... (starts to sing the rest of “Colors of the Wind”)

Me: Stop, stop. O.k., o.k., I get it, I’m sorry. I was just joking around, I love animals. We’ll go to Souplantation… (Car suddenly stops.) What the hell. Ah shit, the battery’s dead again. Fuck these piece of shit electric cars! (I slam on the steering wheel, reach into my pocket, and pull out a cigarette)

Pocahontas: What… are you doing… (Starts to tear up) The other day I catch you littering, and now this? Polluting the air?? You said you quit!! Justin was right about you, you don’t care about Mother Earth at all!

Me: Wait, what? Justin? You’ve been talking to him again? What’s with you and white guys?? (Shaking her head, she gets up out of the car) Babe! Come back here, I’m sorry all right! Get back in here! (She runs off into the woods, sobbing)

Me: (yelling) Fine then! Go be ahead and run off with that white dude, John, Judd, Smith, whatever the fuck his name is. See if I care. Once I get this shit started I’m going to McDonalds and ordering the whole fucking menu. You here me! Bitch!

So things between me and her didn’t work out, but hey, there’s always…
Belle, of Beauty and the Beast

She seems like a sure-thing – She’s intelligent, open-minded, loves her family, and evidently she doesn’t care too much about looks. Yeah, Belle seems perfect… if it wasn’t for this hulking motherfucker right here:


Basically, the only negative about her, besides her apparent beastiality, is having to deal with an angry ex-boyfriend who could quite literally hunt you down and rip your head off. Is she worth it? Maybe, maybe not, but I sure hell wouldn't risk it.

Honorable mentions:
Cinderella – Too much of a junkie for my tastes. Besides a habit of talking to rats named “Gus Gus”, her ride is a pimped-out giant pumpkin, and her outfits tend to incorporate scandalous glass heels.

Sleeping Beauty – What a lazy ass. She just sleeps all day.

Snow White – Hell no, she’s probably the closest thing to a whore out of the bunch. Not only is she a complete ditz for taking food from complete strangers, and getting into trouble, but she happens to live in a house with SEVEN other dudes! There’s no fun with Dopey and the gang always tagging along.


Mulan – No Asian bias here. With so many manly features, she looks too much like a dude. A dude I might add, who could easily kung fu my ass.

So after careful consideration, the winner goes to…
Princess Jasmine

Really, what guy can resist Princess Jasmine, who is definitely Disney’s cream of the crop. Not only is she one exotic women and often scantily clad, she has a fiery personality that makes her just as appealing. She also happens to be loaded, living large in a ballin’ palace, and could very well be the perfect sugar mamma. But what really separates her from the rest has to be the fact that despite her material wealth and possibility of being a stuck-up rich kid, she nevertheless, isn’t quick to judge.

Perfect (and only) example:
Aladdin – He is, without question, a scrub. A STREET RAT. He has no money, no car, his pad is a dump, and his best friend is a monkey. Jasmine however, did not take these issues into account, and in the end, the dirt poor Aladdin still won her over through his charm, good-nature, and pure determination. With that said, Princess Jasmine is definitely top tier.

Why the COOL KIDS should NEVER think about becoming famous...

In light of Adonis' recent expose on Ramiele's naughty pictures, and how they will likely be blown out of proportion by the media, I thought it'd be interesting to take a look at an alternative universe. In this strange world, we are all famous, and this is what some of our picture scandals would look like complete with an excerpt from the accompanying article

RAY

Renowned spoken word artist and writer, Ray, will have to answer lots of questions after a photo surfaced of him with the finest in fufu drinks in hand. Usually known for his raging masculinity, fans are bewildered by what appears to be his love of Parrot Bay.

but it gets worse

ADONIS

Popular newspaper columnist, Adonis, could be facing a potential scandal after a man who claims to be an ex-boyfriend of his released pictures of what he claims to be Adonis' pre-buttsex ritual of wearing tight thermals and taking "homosexual looking pictures". The man's identity is unknown and he simply goes by the alias, 'Seadonkey'.

but the most scandalous of all

LANCE

Competitive eating champion, Lance, is embroiled in a high profile scandal with what appears to be a homosexual relationship with star Philadelphia Soul Tight End, Nelson, of the Arena Football League. Seen here with his supple titties being passionately grabbed by the football star, this incident could put his eating career in jeopardy. Rumors have surfaced of a picture involving some kind of menagerie with columnist, Adonis.

And by rumors, I mean we have it right here.



In conclusion, I never want to be fucking famous. I advise all the young'ns to never drink if you don't want dumbass pictures of yourself on facebook. Fuck the media. Fuck alcohol. And fuck Nazer for not having one embarassing photo in my pictures album.