Dear Cool Kids and Cool Kids family (i.e. Not so small talk),
I'm writing this letter in hopes that this will get to you guys, someway, somehow. This is really hard for me right now, so I'll try and be brief. But I admit; I spent the past few hours outside, staring up at the night sky, with only the the stars to keep my company... Just now, I've been pacing back in forth in front of my computer, glaring at the screen, hoping this page would fill up with words by itself. But I'm here now, so I must finish what I started...
Ray, Nazer, Lance -- I know I had left you guys. Even worse, I left without saying goodbye. It was like a breakup without closure, or having some fun and not calling the next day, with no regard for your feelings at all. Yes, it was wrong of me; but I was young, stupid, immature, without any sense of what I was leaving behind.
But I had too... I had to get out of our relationship. I felt trapped. For too long, I felt like I bullshitted as a Cool Kid. We goofed off, made fun ourselves and joyfully hurt the ones we love. But I had to explore on my own, had to see the world, had to discover what was beyond the Coolest Kids in the Room, and grow up as a person, and also try and write more "seriously." Then the years went by, and I had moved on; a Cool Kid enjoying himself in self-imposed exile.
But really... it was all a facade. The supposed, newfound happiness was forced. There'd be nights where I'd toss and turn in bed, feeling miserable; alone, empty. I'd turn on my computer and load up coolkidsroom, going through the archives and looking back on old posts, constantly checking behind my back as if I was trying not to get caught. It was like re-reading old texts, or going through old pictures; reminiscing until the point where I had to close my laptop shut because the tears in my eyes would get too unbearable.
I miss it. The sarcasm, the randomness of topics, the clowning on homies, the bad ms paint pics, the bukkake, even the more relevant issues we wrote about; I miss it all. I miss what we all shared together, and I want it back. Just remember all the good times we've had. We can be great together, again. I just hope you can forgive me...
But I'll say, this indefinite hiatus of mine, is no more. This blog, The Coolest Kids in the Room, is where I'm meant to be. Like Ray said, "Being in a polyamorous blogging relationship with all of you was like something I've never felt before." I feel the same way. I want to be together again. I believe in second chances, but I'd like to believe as if we never broke up at all. We can work this out. Let's stay together.
We've all come so far:
"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was..."
Please come back...
- Adonis
