Something is inherently missing.. (with tongue-in-cheek)

Proposal:

If one was to define the coolkidsroom family as a collaboration of writers, affiliates, and readers with a variety of hopes and dreams for this blog, but with the collective intent of entertaining, self-enjoyment, venting, combating boredom, and addressing issues, then one can also assume that coolkidsroom is also… a TEAM!!!

In sum, this sorry-attempt at essentially, a useless dissertation is my lame excuse for discussing the following idea: Since we’re all in this together, and because we’re essentially a TEAM, it’s no question that also, just like a sports team, every team needs a…

MASCOT!!! woooohoooooo

Yep, a mascot is much needed. If Disney has Mickey Mouse, XBOX has Master Chief, the Padres have the Friar, the Steelers have Steely McBeam, D.A.R.E. has a lame-o lion, and if Subway has that fatass Jared, what about coolkidsroom?

After a little brainstorming, I’ve compiled a short list of possible poster-boys that would best-represent and embrace the overall “feel” of this blog. In no way, shape or form is this a list of definite or restricted possibilities; instead, I hope others could help me critique and comment on my suggestions, or even better, come up with their own potential mascots.

My Top 5 Candidates:

JAMAL WILLIAMS

The 350 lb. Pro-Bowl defensive tackle of the Chargers, a 10-year veteran of the NFL who eats blockers for lunch, runningbacks for dinner, and QB’s for dessert.

Why: Besides just being a badass, Jamal Williams personifies everything coolkidsroom is and has to offer; an unstoppable force, rock solid performances, hard-work ethic, selfless teamplay, longevity, and a fatass’s love for food.

Why not: Picking Williams would mean playing favorites among Chargers players, since all of them are well-qualified for the mascot gig. (except for Legadu loser Nanee). Furthermore, his intimidating glare alone would scare off our more ‘sensitive’ readers.

THE D.A.R.E. LION

The cute, cuddly, but bipedal freak of nature that is exploited by the Pigs to attract unsuspecting kids into a life of drug-abstinence.

Why: He has a rich history (1,2,3) at coolkidsroom, being the butt-end of many jokes, so it is with a sense of loyalty and obligation that we pay homage to his prolonged suffering. As a bonus, in case the feds come sniffing around for obscene material, they’ll just pass us up as another dedicated anti-drug website when they see him smiling back at them.

Why not: He’s pathetic. Likewise, he’s failed miserably on his quest to prevent our generation from drug abuse. (i.e. See all the names on the column to the right)

TINA FEY

The smart, talented, funny, and attractive Emmy-award winner & nominee, writer of Mean Girls, former SNL cast member & head writer, and mastermind and star of 30 Rock. In sum, the most gorgeous women on earth.

Why: Because I have an unhealthy obsession with her.

Why not: Because I have an unhealthy obsession with her.

CALIFORNIA BURRITOS

Delicious morsels of carne asada and French fries, with pockets of cheese and sour cream; all wrapped in a warm tortilla for a savory meal of Mexican-inspired goodness. Found at a Taco Shop near you. Typically accompanied with hot sauce, and often enjoyed following a night of excessive alcohol consumption.

Why: This burrito captures the essence of the Southern California culture and lifestyle of our generation. Plus, coolkidsroom and family owe much to the legendary Cali Burrito for our continued nutritional growth (and deterioration).

Why not: We would all gain 15 more lbs. due to unwarranted cravings caused by the Cali Burrito’s constant image.

LANCE

aka our very own CommanderCacho. San Diego born-and-raised and former Prom King of Mt. Carmel High School, he now currently attends UCI.

Why: He’s Lance damnit! If with any doubt, spend an entire day with Lance and a bottle of Hennessey, and experience his funness for yourself.

Why not: The real-life Lance would probably get mad. He’s probably mad at me right now as he reads this.

I’ll probably narrow down these choices and other suggestions later. Decisions, decisions.

Best,
Adonis

JUST STAY NO... TO D.A.R.E!!

The D.A.R.E. program is pathetic.



Holy shit, that lion is just plain gay.

With finals coming up and finding myself living nocturnally this week and taking frequent smoke breaks to supposedly "ease" all the stress, its come to my attention that the D.A.R.E. program is simply a joke. Save for those strong willed individuals who’ve resisted temptation for this long, I’m pretty damn sure everyone in my 5th grade class has succumbed to some sort of addicting drug by now, whether it be trying alch, grits, bud, crack, caffeine, w/e. Unfortunately for me, I’ve found a bad habit in smoking cigarettes. (Don’t worry I’m quitting soon.)

What’s even more ridiculous – correct me if I’m wrong - but I remember signing some contract/agreement bullshit laying out the terms that I, Adonis, WILL NEVER DO DRUGS. the fuck… HAH, that worked out just fine.

My homie Jordan enjoys rocking his 5th grade D.A.R.E. t-shirt every now and then, which got me thinking on how this worthless program can be improved, even with a complete overhaul in philosophy. Besides, if the program cant even prevent drug abuse for happy little kids growing up in Sunni PQ, imagine how pathetic it probably is at a school like GOMPERS. What a shame.

Rather, my theory is to make the program’s content more reasonable and focus on things that are much more practical to kids. Who cares about health issues, cancer, black lungs, advanced aging, or showing videos of old women with holes in their throats anyway? Lets not scare the kids damnit, D.A.R.E. needs to keep it real. Let us take cigarettes for example; fuck lung cancer, here are a few things that Officer Bill fails to mention when teaching his class of future druggies.

So buddy, you think smoking cigarettes is cool?
Smoking is bad because:
1. The stress of not having cigarettes.
2. The stress of not having a lighter to smoke your cigarettes.
3. The stress of not having both a cigarette to smoke and a lighter handy, forcing you to bum.
4. Bumming makes you a scrub.
5. You stink.
6. You attempt to cover up your stinkiness in a shower of AXE, only making you stink even more.
7. You can start a wildfire, those really suck.
8. Random gag reflex also sucks.
9. When smoking, your light sometimes burns out but you don’t notice and continue to take a hit anyway, resulting in a disgusting cold-draft that makes you want to yak.
10. You’ll sometimes have nasty shits. (Coffee & Grits, aka the Breakfast of Champions = dunzo)

I’m pretty sure there are other nuisances, but nevertheless, I am a firm believer that a similar list and the possibility of having nasty shits will discourage kids moreso than mentioning mere lung cancer.

Best,
Adonis