A Political Booster Pack: Conservative Edition!

coolkidsroom presents…
Your Political Starter Kit
A Political Booster Pack: Series 1

SUPER fucking TUESDAY was yesterday, essentially narrowing down the list of plausible nominees for both parties. My dumbass however, failed to put the spotlight in my starter kit on two Republican candidates who are currently, now front-and-center in the Presidential race. So, for all you conservatives out there…

A Political Booster Pack: Series 2
Conservative Edition! Collect them all!!

MITT ROMNEY:

Supposedly, his supporters claim he is the reincarnation of former President Ronald Regan, something Republicans can feel all warm and giddy about as they wet their beds at night. An experienced businessman, Romney has led and invested in many successful companies, and also took over and saved the 2002 Winter Olympics from financial disaster. He also has a younger brother named Peter, and apparently has the ability to fly.

He was also a former governor of Massachusetts, and himself being a Mormon, that has to count for some shit for being able to run a state filled with crazy Irish Catholics. His critics, however, often point out his willingness to adapt his position on certain issues depending on what state he’s campaigning in. The current host of Def Comedy Jam, D.L. Hughley, jokingly mentioned Romney, saying “I thought the movie ‘Transformers’ was about a robot, but apparently it’s about this motherfucker here!”

JOHN MCCAIN:

He is quite literally the walking dead, as this guy is fucking 70 years old already. Regardless if he can manage to live past the primaries, he is the closest thing to Rambo you’ll ever see for a Presidential candidate.

A former Navy pilot, McCain grew some balls of steel after he fought in Vietnam, where he was shot down and forced into a POW camp where he was beaten, starved, and tortured before being released after 5 fucking years. If one can imagine, that’s like being trapped forever in a Pho restaurant without ever eating the delicious PHO, and the waiters despise you because you asked for a fork. Now that’s some shit.

Once regarded as the ‘maverick’ within the party for his liberal tendencies, he is currently the front-runner for the Republican nomination and supporters argue he is the best hope for Republicans come November, whether facing Hillary or Obama.

McCain, suffering after years without eating any Pho.

fucking posers.

**In other news, the rockstar Obama is in close pursuit of the Clinton political machine, and things can get decisively nasty for Democrats as the final primaries wrap-up.