Cash Rules Everything Around Me

■ Recently, when I’ve been filling up for gas, I simply ignore the floating three-digit numbers on the side of the road. Instead, I just hope that whatever cash I give the gas station attendant is sufficient enough to pay for a pack of grits, all my unnecessary fatass snacks, and for the needle on my fuel gauge to at least pass the half-way mark.

Mainly, I do this as an attempt to save myself from the pain of knowing that I’m probably paying a ridiculous price of $3.50 for a gallon of gas, and maybe even $4 in the near future. Back in the day, I remember getting by with a simple “$10 on 3 please” – now saying that just feels embarrassing.

While soaring gas prices is nothing new to us, what I find even more absurd besides this dependency on gasoline, is the fact that more and more gas stations now have TV’s at the pump, possibly in an effort to make your visit a more “pleasant” one. Not a bad I idea I suppose; now I get a taste of how it feels to be one of those people with a television screen installed in every seat of their SUV.

Seriously though, if I’m really going to pay $4 per gallon pretty soon, those TV’s better stop showing the news and maybe just show some porn instead – at least then I’ll feel better knowing that I’m not the only one at the pump getting fucked.

■ There’s also been a lot of talk about the American economy nearing a recession. Rather conveniently, these down-years may even have a profound effect on our silly generation as well, with many of us graduating from college soon and off in search of a job. Luckily for me, my 8-year college plan will help me weather this economic depression worry-free, in case everything else hits the shitter.

For everyone else, fear not; our great President has taken notice of this predicament, with his “Economic Stimulus Plan.” In short, Bush plans to salvage our sinking economy by basically handing out money in hopes that everyone will therefore, spend spend spend.

(From an IRS notice)
Dear Taxpayer:

We are pleased to inform you that the United States Congress passed and President George W. Bush signed into law the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008…Under this new law, you may be entitled to a payment of up to $600.

Holy shit, $600! Talk about baller status... O.k., realistically that’s chump change for the average working citizen, but since I fit into the demographic of “broke-ass college students”, that amount of money would help out nicely, especially since I’m paying up to $100 just for a biology book that I’ll probably never use. Imagine, an extra $600 to help ‘stimulate’ the beer and tobacco industries, or even better, an extra $600 to spend on more gas while watching TV at the pump – oh, the possibilities.

Unfortunately, since mommy and daddy are still claiming me, I won’t be able to enjoy that extra $600 when I get back my tax return. So, if your one of those individuals not claimed as a dependent anymore, happy spending to you – you’re more than likely entitled to Bush’s cash giveaway. You can even figure out your winnings with the super-cool Economic Stimulus Package Calculator.