Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Why I (as well as some other COOL KIDS) don't have girlfriends PART 1

Horribly Unathletic

I'm pretty sure that's not how you swing a baseball bat. And this pathetic attempt finished with a swing and a miss.

Horribly Out of Rhythm

Ladies, I'm also sure this is not the first guy you think of dancing with at the club.

Toy Collection

If there was a movie called The 20-year-old Virgin, this is what the protagonist's wall would look like. This habit started a couple years ago when I bought an LT and a Trevor Hoffman on sale at ComicCon. Having two of them wasn't that bad.

Then I bought an Elton Brand for five bucks. And then people started giving them to me as gifts. And you know what? I loved getting it as a gift. But now my wall doesn't look much different than Steve Carell's character in that classic comedy.

Does it help that they're all sports stars and not comic book characters? Maybe, but from far away, can you even fucking tell?

Super Smash Bros.

Pretty much any guy, single or taken, has some sort of gaming habit. All girls have to deal with it, and as Ray pointed out, it can only help for a lady to accept this, and even better, take part with her man in this lazy activity.

My compadres and I took it to another level with this game though. For most girls, they have to deal with their boyfriend who's hooked on something macho like Madden, or Halo, or Call of Duty. Of course, I consider myself up to snuff in those games as well, but what does it say about you when your favorite game was a game where video game mascots partook in cartoony battles with no real violence?

And how bout how the sound of people playing this game causes a click-clack racket from the controllers that's probably the most annoying sound in the world?

And what does it say about you when you've played in numerous tournaments, even winning one with your fellow blogger?

I'll tell you what it says, it means you're a loser who spent way too much time mastering wavedashing, crouch cancelling, shield grabbing, bomb jumping, jump cancelling, L-cancelling (ok not L-cancelling), instead of working on your baseball swing, or better yet, your dance moves.

Ok, I know I've come down on myself pretty hard. Despite all of these shortcomings, I want you to know that I'm comfortable in my own skin. There are still a lot of things that I like about myself, and things that I think girls would like about me.

No matter what, I know goofy pictures of me playing sports and me dancing are the basis of priceless memories. Hours of bonding over Smash, or discussing our favorite NFL stars or NBA players, has afforded me friendships that will hopefully last a lifetime. But all of this certainly has crippled my pursuit of the almighty pussyliath.

Off to the titty bar!


  1. dude i'm telling you the nice guy thing will pay off in the end TRUST

  2. lol titty bar huh

    dont get down on yourself, shell come around. and you dont have to be a dick to get a girl (referring to mels blog).

  3. so is this what you were all emo about the other night? hahaha

    cheer up, buttercup!

  4. your older brother's proud of you man. smash on.

  5. public enemy-don't believe the hype....jk

    i was thinking of doing a similar post on why love is bs and why the cool kids are single

  6. It's the sounds that kill it for us. The loud clicking noises and then the screams of 12 dudes after a team wins a crew battle

  7. i am so proud of you lance...

  8. i just realized the word 'ComicCon' forfeited any kind of legitmacy to me having those toys on my wall.